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Mon May 6, 2002
location: santo domingo

i am not hiv + but this is FOR ANY ONE WHO HAS HIV:
i wrote it as if i was hiv +
I try to convince myself the contrary every single day but silence only drowns me and others with me.
yes, every pill i take, will remind me for the rest of my life that i am hiv positive,but the truth is life should be lived. of course their will always be do and don'ts,but think of this not as somthing only you have but as something billions suffer with.imagine that you live in a hole diffrent world, where all the sindroms of hiv were part of the human cycle,in this world hiv is just like the common age death. don't wory much about it and don't see it as a disability or disease just as a part of every day life.

Fri May 10, 2002
location: South Africa

I am taking a chance here but I wish that someone could respond. I am a 24 year old black south african and have a friend a year younger than me who is HIV positive. I am writing so that someone can help share light on what I am going through or maybe I seek comfort, I am not sure. What I hope will be apparent so far is that I am extremely lost in terms of what I feel hence the confusion in the previous sentence. I am not sure what I feel, if i should be feeling it or if I am taking my friends situation and turning it around seeking comfort from people just so I look good. Looking good in the sense that my friends, be them male or female could think I have a heart hence I cry, now obviously from this you can tell that I feel guilty about all that is happening to me as a result of what she is going through. I mean after all I am not the one who is sick or critical in hospital, why am I turning around and making it seem like I am the one who is needy? She is now in hospital and was diagonised with manangitis last night. Why am I even writing this to you, I feel like I am not being myself,a part of me feels that I am a saddist luring and lobbing for your support, stooping low by using my friends illness to get attention, this happens to me with everyone I speak to, I feel I do not have the right to look good at her expense yet I feel the need to share this with someone and I keep trying to share with those that already know hoping that I will close the chapter to these unhealthy feelings but it all keeps coming back. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON WITH ME, DO I KNOW? is it possible that I am pretending not to know so that I do not tkae responsibility for my feeligs? Which are? I do not even know if my trueself wants to write this. Am I really a person that cares so much about my friend that I feel pain from her pain. Am I not pretending? I feel like I am. I mean after all i know I was her best friend and the one she has allowed should !
be there for her, but was I really? I wasn't there all the time. I still feel that I have a life and should live it but when I dare hear that she is not ok I loose it and cry and I feel I do this to make people feel sorry for me, she is the one who needs the help and attention not me. I maintained and still do that should she need me I will be there for her, and have been in the instances that she has relapsed stopping what I am doing to take her to hospital, a mindset that I am proud I set for myself but why did I have to put limitations to my help for her or my availability as well. Should I not have stopped my exams just so I could see her more often? And at times I ould say I can not see her some weekends cause I am studying but then at times I would not even study and still not go see her. But then again I feel that ofcourse not its not like we were that close in the last year(we have been friends for 7years) cause she pulled away- spending more time with her boyfriend and although I accepted this after a while of probing why this was the case, why the distance between us, I feel I shouldnt feel like that, I mean what if she suspected then and was avoiding my knowing? But why is she not open to telling me what she is going through so I can help. Before she lost her speech in terms of making sense in what she wants to say (happened last night)she used to say she is okay just tired of the pain. And she does not blame the boyfriend, I feel that why does she not blame him, as far as I know he infected her, OR does she know otherwise? I think I am more concerned about me and yet I feel these things that I write here. I FEEL THEM< THEY ARE REAL! Am I a bad pesron? Selfish? She is now in hospital and I am convinced she is going. This thought also makes me unconciously feel like I want her to die just so that I can have people feel sorry for me at the funeral and on that day. I do miss the times she was healthy and was on her two feet and those m!
emories make me cry A LOT, and I am honestly hoping that you will tell me that what I am going through is normal. I have close friends that say I am a WONDERFUL person and I maintain till to date that I have not been the luckiest of people in terms of material worldly wealth, but I have been blessed by GOD with people who love me. My Dad, my best friend, My boyfriend(lots of issues here though), a whole lot people that see beyond what lots of people say is a beautiful face. You see what I am suddenly doing? Shifting this whole mail so that its about me.
I suspect that I need to hear from someone who can relate to what I am going through.
i spoke to my shrink who helped, and that was 3 hrs ago I had to take deep breaths cause I couldn't speak with that lump in my throat. Those feelings of confusion disappeared for a while and are now back. I need you to understand that I find my behaviour funny and uncmfortable cause I am NOT asking what the usual mourners would do, or ask. Things like why her? why this way? etc I feel that those are not questions or answers I want to address, rather when did she get infected? why did I not see it? what stage is she in? Can we not help? Why is she not open to spiritual fulfilment at this critical time, we could talk, you kow, of GOD and I could reassure her that GOD loves her through and through, but I cant cause I dare NOT imply that she is dying, her Aunt, mum etc would kill me. I want to tell her that she will be fine in heaven. Its as if I want her to go I mean when you read the sentence before this one dont you think that too? Is she dying or not. Is that not INSENSITIVE!
of me? Why am I thinking it? Why am I not positive?
Since I found out I have been for 8 different HIV tests all say I am negative but I keep thinking the tests are wrong or the doctors are just trying to protect me. I mean really - she is on her death bed or atleast I seem to think so and here I am running around making sure I do not end up like her.

This is a beggining of a whole lot of confusion of feelings I would like to disown but I own.
Can anyone relate?
Is this normal?

Sat May 11, 2002
location: Texas

Hey people,
Well, ever since I was VERY young, i've been having sex. And now that im in my teens, i've been having sex with girls without protection. And I heard bad stuff about some of the girls, and now I took the test to see if im HIV Positive, and im having feelings I will be. I mean its not just the girls either, I got a tattoo after a guy I didnt even know and my friend got one. I mean its so many things and All I do all day is think about it. If I turn out to have HIV, I dont think i would be able to control anything, I mean I always had pictured me growing old with a family and a house, but I will not have that if I turn out positive. I dont know what to do..... I get the results back May 11 '02, and it seems like eternity getting there!

Well by now you may have got the results back from your test and if you are HIV positive, l hope you've been able to talk to someone to get your head around this. Here's the Texas AIDSLINE, they will be able to give support and advice on how to deal with just being diagnosed.
In Texas: (800) 299-2437
If your test came back negative, that's fantastic but as you already know, your not doing too many things that are safe. Hey, that's not being moral...just use a condom, don't share needles etc.
There's a good info. site called AVERT and it'll give you the low down on HIV. http://www.avert.org
Another really good one for you is http://www.youthHIV.org
It's a US site and HIV+ youth give advice. Being HIV positive is not the end of your life but if your negative......try and find out more so you don't put yourself at risk in the future.
Carolena Helderman
project manager
HIV/AIDS Positive Stories

Tue May 14 2002
location = California

I am a program manager for an HIV risk reduction program. Do you know where I can purchase good quality HIV education and personal story videos targeting minority adults? Thanks

Sorry for big delay in responding to your email.
I don't really know where to access this - you could try asking at the AEGIS website http://www.aegis.org
I did see a very powerful program made by MTV for world AIDS day ( l think in 2000), it may be worth asking them also.
Carolena Helderman
project manager
HIV/AIDS Positive Stories

Thu May 16, 2002
location: NSW, Australia

I am very nervous as I have never submitted anything before.
I guess I am a person affected by hiv/aids. My brother is 65yo and has been a merchant sailor most of his life on container ships out of New Zealand on the European run. Two years ago when home on leave he told us that he was hiv+ and that he was leaving the sea and coming home to live. It was a mad scramble then for me to find out everything I could about aids, I took a crash course and attended some support groups and now my brother, whilst on medication is alive, well and enjoying life. The biggest challenge in the early days was tring to change his negative outlook. It took a while and now he can't wait for each day to dawn so that he can get on with the rest of his life. We are so proud of him and also of his friends we have met. It has taught me a lot and I know that some day my brother will need me 24/7 but God willing that is a long way down the track. Let us all be proud of who we are, join hands around the world and celebrate our strength and love for each other.
May peace be with you all.
It's been a long time since you wrote to the web site, so my apologies to you for taking so long. No need to be nervous about submitting something to the site, unless requested, it's totally anonymous and a place for you to tell your story.
I understand your perspective, l've been affected by HIV and know that situation of scrambling for information and having a lot of fear about how long a person lives with HIV. The one thing l do know from doing this web site for nearly four years, the perspective from people (in Western Countries), is a lot more positive and it's about living with the disease and not dying from it. But this can't be said about every person who reads something on this web site....it should show the perspective of what is happening around the world.
It's also worth checking out the 'Contacts' Directory if you need services anywhere in NSW Australia - It's on this web site http://www.plwha.org.au
Perhaps you or your brother would like to add another story to the site, keep checking the site as l'm about to add a bookshop and mailing list.All the best,
Carolena Helderman
project manager
HIV/AIDS Positive Stories

Tuesday, 21 May 2002

Hi Carolena:
I thought I should drop you a line and tell you I have been receiving e-mail's from all over the world because of your site. I'm thrilled to be connected and be of some help to others. Just yesterday I received a letter from Bosnia, and New Jersey. I can't even count how many letter's I received.
I want to tthnk you for puttting my letter up on the site. I also noticed that in the feedback section, you printed some of our correspondence and created a link from one of my letters to you, to connect with the article I wrote. Thank YOU!
I would love to work on another article and submit it if you are still wanting material.
Looks to me there are lots of people out there looking for answers.
Anyways, I really wanted to touch base and say thank YOU and let you know your site is making a diference!!

Hi Bradford,
Always good to hear from you! Do you know that you are one of the only 'regulars' to keep in contact with me and have dialogue...this is a good thing! Although l admit l could not do it with everyone, it's great though to have dialogue with someone using the site and it encourages me to know that you are hearing from so many people from around the world.
I don't know where we left off in our last contact but l'll give you an update. As you know, the web site was my masters project and i did go to exam at the end of March and passed with flying colours. This could allow me to end the site now (after three years), but it is hard to let go of, not for myself but for what it is giving other people.
So, l will be looking at ways to fund the site. This will allow it to keep going, fund me in the making of it and develop new ideas for the site. Right now, l don't know how but l'm working on that.
The site hit a snag last month, only because it is too popular for it's own good and it is using four time it's allowed bandwidth and would cost me too much to run. I'm in negotiations, but it seems that l will be able to get sponsorship from the hosting company to continue. So that is all round good news.
There is no need to thank me, l am so happy that you have been able to be in contact with so many people and 'yep', it still astounds me, the power of this medium! Go ahead and submit as many stories as you like, that is what the site is for.
I am churning away at new ideas for the site and this is partly helped from the hundreds of responses to the survey on the site since March.
People seem to want a 'chat room' and a 'Mailing list' and a educational type Quiz. The Quiz section would need funding, so this is a long term goal. The chat is possible and will come about when l have sorted out wether the site stays with the same host and how much this will cost me. But l am mainly thinking about the 'mailing list' and how best to use this. I am inspired by how you have used the site and the response you have received and most of the people who filled out the survey would like to contact writers.
But as we know, not all writers (most actually), do not wish to put their email address on a web site, they wish to remain more anonymous. So, l am thinking of a way for future writers to become part of the new mailing list where readers could sign onto this list and talk about the stories and web site. It's all going around in my head at the moment!
So Bradford, that is a very long update and as per usual l will add our correspondence to the site as it gives people a bit of an update also.
Keep in contact and thanks for your encouragement that it all makes a difference!

Wed May 22, 2002
location: Pakistan

Pardon nto every one
God bless hivs and aids person
I am Hiv _ i wish that just finsf hiv in the world alot of reseach have benn made for that in medicals but we r just ignoring homeo pathy plz try from homeo rmemdie to save the hivs
I am not aselller just wish to cure by homeo their r some good results in homeo
plz tell to all that consult the hm for save of the life if some one want i can serve free for hivs and see the miracles of God bless hiv person.

Tue May 28, 2002
location: Texas

I am a 26 year old female who is married to a man who is an Aids patient. We have two small children together. My children and I, miraculously, have not tested positive. But my experience with Aids is tremendous. It is at times, unbarable to watch my husbands deterioration. I try to constantly remind myself to be thankful that I am not positive, but i just wish I could trade places with him so he could live a normal life.
Sometimes, I think my husband feels as if I don't understand how he is feeling(physically and emotionally). And although that may be true, I am his crusader. I take care of him, communicate with the healthcare professionals for him, and I love him. Everyday, it seems I learn something new about HIV\Aids, and I want to continue. This site really caught my attention because it is not just endless pages of facts, but real people who are faced with this terrible disease. I'd love to send in my "story". Please let me know how I can do so. Thank you for this site.
Thank you very much for your comments about the site, it's always good to hear that people find it unique and of use.
Yes, your story would be a valuable edition to the site because as you say....you have a tremendous experience.
You can paste the story into an email or write it in Microsoft word and save it as a .rtf file and send it as an attachment. Whatever is easiest, but you can ask me questions if needed.
I look forward to making you a part of the site.
Consider if you would like to add your email to the story, as those who have, have had a tremendous response but it is not necessary and you can also remain anonymous. I am hoping to start a mailing list very soon as many people want to be able to speak to the writers.......but that is an option, not a requirement of the site.
Carolena Helderman
project manager

Thu Jun 6, 2002
location: Flordia

My name is Barbara I am 20 years old. When I was 19 years old I met this girl who we will call Diane and i got into doing drugs with her and she got me into having threesomes for money and now she tells me her exboyfriend has aids and that she was infected with them. The first time she told me this she said that they mixed up the results but now she says that she has it. I have been tested 4 times in the last 6 months and they have came back negative, but I realized since I tested postive for a STD that it is possible I have HIV and God knows whatelse. But I know if I am postive I have to live with it because I can't change the fact.
Tue Jun 11 2002
location = Namibia

Hi My Name is Rodney.
I am so interested in your story though it is sad. It is sad that you are a young teen at the age of 17, which my girlfriend is also. I am 21 and I love her so much. If I get hiv I love her so much I love her not to pass it on to her.
YOur b/f must be in a bad situation because he had a one night stand and it messed up both of your lifes. I want to know how your life is, from this moment until the day you die(or I die). I know not only Aids kills people, but it is the only one that is in our control.
With Great Love from Rodney

Jun 11, 2002
location: Arizona

Their are probaly so many people out in the United State whom have AIDS. You would think our world is safe from CANCER,HIV,HERPEs, even AIDS, Each day is a war for me fighting to live another day to smile,cry,listen,play,being with family the most imporatant thing to me right now. I have quite College when I found out that my friend had given me AIDS. I'm 21 year old I never though I would get AIDS just by having sex with my best friend. of course you would think that sex is safe sometimes but I guess now it aint so safe to have sex with some one you love so much. Three weeks ago i sat by my friend side as he slip away from me, I sat by him until his soul was taken, he held on so tight onto my hand that I actually felt a piece of me go with him,I know my time is coming. So I ask that if you have AIDS please tell your storie to the many Teens out their in the United State. This is my storie... I wish that I could turn time back if it was possible...But I cant, My mom never going to see me walk down an isle to finish college, or see me get married, or watch me have kids, She never gonna see or hear of me laughing, nor is she gonna see me smile again,or tell her about my days where I enjoyed being with..I want to say I'm sorry to her, But I know that deep down in my heart she never going to read this storie,Life for me has been good ....But short, I know I have a few weeks left.So now I go in peace.
Please read my storie

Fri Jun 14, 2002
location: Pakistan

Dear all
I am a young boy age 24 status Hiv- working in the field of HIV/AIDS with youth and people living with HIV/AIDS . I am going to tell u my story its hard to tell but after reading all the story I feel now I should breakout what I have in my heart.
Last year in October 2000. I got a chance to attend the ICAAP (international Congress on AIDS in ASIA and Pacific) as a youth leader. I was so haapy that I got a chance to visit Melbourne and learning. I reach there on 4th October. Next day I was standing on the Yara river a beautiful river in Melbourne and was enjoying the wind .it was so lovely . Suddenly I saw a girl. Here one thing I would like to mention that I had no girl friend in my life. She just passed near to me I saw her and my heart said yes here is she that I want to come in my life and from that day I decided that I will find her although I know nothing about her but my heart said I will meet with her. Next day there was a launching ceremony an a documentary regarding people living with HIV/AIDS. I entered in the hall and I was so surprised to see her sitting. Before starting documentary there was intro about it . I think about her that she must be the director or producer of this documentary.
She started her introduction that my name is x and I am 21years old form x country and living with HIV+ from last three years. I was shocked to listen this my heart said oh what is this what is my destiny. What should I do then my heart again said this is your love accept it. I said yes what ever she is I will tell her that I love u.
Again next day I met with her and just said u Œre a very brave girl. I like u very much. She just smile and said to me u Œre doing a good job with u. after that I went to attend a seminar .last day I saw her again and said ok I ma going back to my country . when I reached back to my country I got her email that was her first email to me and I still have that email she said to me „ I am very happy to have a friend like you‰ I was so haapy to got this. After that I decide I decide that one day I will tell her that I love u. after four months since I saw her I call her and said „ I love you‰ I disconnect the phone. After this I wrote her a long email and said what ever I could say. I waited her reply and in her reply she said „ raza I always look upon u as a friend a very good and sincere friend I have ever in my life.
After that i have a very good relationship and I really want to go to see her and once again I want to say her these words. In my life I never ever felt in love and this is my first and last love. One word I always said to her „ look if u think u Œre a HIV+ and I am Hiv- so I don‚t care about it I know how to live and I can live with u coz
My Body is Negative But my Soul is Positive this my message to her

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