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Someone to Hear Me

I just wanted someone to hear me. I am a 47 year old black male who recently ended a monogamous relationship of 15 years with my other half (who is bisexual and received much pressure from his family to have a baby). We are still friends, but on his terms, which use to bother me, but I am over it now. I have been diagnosed with HIV and have been living with it for 7 years. Recently my T-cell count has reached 454, for the first time. My former lover is at T-cell count is 1600. Even though we split up and he has moved out but stops by periodically and we indulge in cocaine (rocks) and me performing oral sex on him. I believe that my count is affected by the use of this recreational drug which we have been doing for 15 years. His T-cell count remains the same.

I am unemployed, but still have health insurance for 6 more months. Currently I am seeking employment, but without any success. As of the beginning of the year, my heath care was changed by the company and I have been working with a new doctor (infectious specialist, but we are working had trying to get the best combination of medicines to reduce my viral load to be undetectable. Besides HIV, I have high cholesterol, high triglycerides (fatty liver which could cause a heart attack or a stroke), along with high blood pressure.

And I have an Masters Degree in a field of science. Since quitting my job of 20 years and losing my lover, I have been very depressed. I think of suicide frequently, and how I plan to carry it out. I have no appetite and can't seem to gain weight. I have 2 sisters in the know about my illness and a brother and sister who don't have a clue. The main reason that I haven't killed myself is because I have a 5 year old nephew who loves my very much, and a very supportive sister. I am concerned about how my death will affect them, at least for the moment. It is still my life and unless an individual has WALKED IN MY SHOES, I don't think that anyone should have much to say. Being HIV, black, gay, addicted to cocaine, unemployed, and with heath problems is a lot to bear concurrently. MY choice with all my problems is being unemployed. The rest was fate or decided by my DNA.

I do believe in GOD and that He doesn‚t make mistakes! And I have prayed and told God that I was not as strong as JOB (from the Bible). But I was told that He only puts on us what we can bear. I was also told that He has not brought me this far to leave me along. And the God will not leave or forsake me. These are the things that my parents (both deceased) have instilled in me, giving me the strength to go one. REMEMBER: There was a man who complained that he had no shoes, until he saw a man with NO FEET!


Sent via email, July 25, 2002 from Detroit, USA.

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