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Sexual Risks

I just finished reading through many of the stories listed on this website and they have inspired me to share my own. I just turned 25 a couple of weeks ago. Since I was 15 I have had many sexual encounters that could have resulted in my contracting HIV. A couple of years ago, I finally went and got a test. I was so scared and for weeks I just knew that the test would come back positive. I just figured that there was absolutely no way that I couldn't have encountered it at least once with all the risks I took. I had a new boyfriend and I wanted to know once and for all. When the doctor told me that the test was negative I could have hugged him. I was so relieved I cried. I thought that I had learned a lesson that would never go away. I never thought that I would risk my life by having unprotected sex again. I guess I was wrong. About a month ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a horrible person. I didnt take the time needed to realize that this person takes sexual risks with his own life every single day. He doesnt care or know whether or not he is HIV positive. I guess that I didn't care that much either because I had unprotected sex with a virtual stranger. I was drunk and at that moment when I was completely trashed, it didnt matter. I was drunk and getting a condom seemed like such a hastle. But when I woke up in the morning and realized whose hands I had just placed my life into, then it mattered. I have a seven year old daughter, another consequence of my promiscuous past. I have spent the last seven years improving my life. Trying to make sure that I can become the kind of mother that I want more than anything to be. I went from being an unempolyed welfare mother to a college student with a full-time job. I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and my life has basically calmed down. Aside from this horrible mistake I allowed myself to make a month ago. I have to deal with the guilt that I will reap from this forever. I have to wait to get my test, I have another 5 months before I can be sure that the test results are correct. I'm so scared that I just screwed everything up. Not just for myself but also for my boyfriend and my daughter who has no one else in the entire world except me. I cant believe that I could do something so incredibly stupid expecially when I have a million things going for me as long as I can stay healthy. Im holding my breath, for the next five months I will be a complete basketcase. Moving on with my life will hold no meaning until I know that I didnt just destroy myself for one night of exscape. If I test positive, then I guess I brought this on myself and I have no one to blame but myself. I was completely aware of the risk I was taking. If my test comes back negative, I will always remember the things that I have read on this site because nothing is worth the risks that many of us have taken. Thank you very much for reading this, I couldn't share this with another soul and I had to get it off my chest. If I had some magic words, I would share them, instead all I can say is that I wish everyone the best, no one deserves to go through this expecially not alone.


Sent via email, August 21, 2002 USA

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