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Deadly Risks

Ok...here it goes...(as I take a deep breath)...I am a 21yr old white female...I have been sexually active since I was a freshman in highschool. I have been with approximately 25-30 men since then. I have not had protected sex with all of the men I have slept with. I have only been tested for HIV once when I was 16. I tested negative. I have had Chlamydia and Herpes. I got BOTH diseases from the same guy. He was/is the love of my life. I got Chlamydia from him when I was 16 (he contracted it from an ex-girlfriend) and I got herpes when I was 19 (I contracted the disease from a cold sore that was on his mouth while he performed oral sex.) I am no longer with this person anymore, but he is still my best friend. I have always had a problem with sex I suppose. I was so uneducated about sex when I first lost my virginity (I didnt even know where the penis was supposed to go.) The second time I had sex, I was raped. After that, my relationships with men were always very unstable and unhealthy.

I have a HUGE problem with men am attracted the wrong kinds. I am currently having unprotected sex with a 28yr old man. He has been very promiscuous in the past. His weakness is women and sex. He says he was tested for HIV last December around his birthday. His Uncle just died from AIDS not to long ago which is even scarier. I am NOT dating this guy, we are just having sex. We have gotten in many arguments over the whole HIV topic before...I am extremely paranoid and constantly bring it up. Knowing that he has a huge weakness for women and sex make it 10 times harder. I really do want to get tested for HIV. I have had blood tests taken recently (kidney stones and back pain) and my blood work came back fine. I know that this doesnt mean I dont have HIV, but it is justification for my mind.

My biggest fear about being HIV positive is the fact that I am so young and have my whole life ahead of me. I have no medical insurance and there is no way I'd ever be able to afford the drugs. I always told myself that if I ever had HIV, I would kill myself. I would rather die then live my life knowing that i am going to die a slow, painful death. I dont want to die that way. I'm trying to overcome my fears so I can go get tested...I thought it would be a lot easier then this...but in reality, it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The sad part is, I have created this whole situation for myself. I look around and see all these people that are compltely oblivous to life. People are so ignorant. They dont realize how serious HIV/AIDS is...and so few people actually want to be educated about the disease because of fear...but what they don't realize is that there is nothing to fear but fear itself (as I totally contradict myself)...I will continue to live in fear until i build up enough courage to get tested...i dont know what my purpose of writing this is. I guess, i need to deal with my situation and this is my first step...

To all of you who are reading this....IT'S NOT WORTH IT...Life is to short to take risks...especially deadly risks like having unprotected sex. You cant trust anyone these days. I guess thats my biggest problem...I'm to trusting. I can't go back on the past. But I can improve my future by making the right choices and not taking risks. Hopefully it's not to late. Thank you to all who took the time to read this.


Sent via email, July 28, 2002

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