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Let me get the weight of the world off of my chest...I am a 18 year old straight male from Canada... I have had a perfectly normal life up to this point - I am extremely talented individual... I was the typical teen that had no troubles gaining attention from the opposite sex but I used my gifts to a limited extent... Most of my friends were having sex with anything that would spread their legs for them... But I felt like my life meant much more than that because I always dreamed of having kids and being the perfect father with a beautiful wife...


Recenctly I have been suffering from the biggest fear of all organisms living inside of our universe... Approximately 15 months ago I engaged in un-safe sex with a female that I refer to as the devil in disquise...


It was the summer of 2001 and everything was going great... I was livng my life to the fullest while working late hours on the side... I live on the water in a beautiful house with a loving family... During this time I was the happiest I have ever been...
I could have been with alot of beautiful females during this time but I decided to be very cautious and picky most of the time... But one late summer night I witnessed myself make the biggest mistake of my life... I went swimming and when I got out of the water this 19 year old strange mysterious woman wrapped a towel around me to dry me off... And she forced herself upon me... At that time I had no negative thoughts or fears running through my head - I guess the testosterone was already built up... We were out side on a dock in the pitch black and she started to perform oral sex on me... At this point she hopped on top of me... I remember looking up at the stars knowing I could possibly be making the biggest mistake of my existence... She was on me for about two minutes before the thoughts in my brain triggered a physical reaction... That is when I panicked and told her to get the "uck" off of me and that we shouldn't be doing this... I then ran home and washed myself for an hour straight (looking myself in the mirror seeing the fear)


I pretended that it never happened for 14 months... Then the next summer (2002) is when I started thinking about my past...
That is when I met someone new... A beautiful intelligent female... And I mean she was totally georgeous... Someone who I actually really liked and respected... The chemistry between us was catastrophic...
Then I started obsessing about my previous encounter with the devil in disquise that disgust me and makes me sick to my stomach !!!!


I decided to get an HIV test because I was worried if my symptoms were of HIV/AIDS or it was because of anxiety and depression.... My HIV test came back negative and my doctors say there is no way that I have it from doing all the blood work...


But my vision has seem to get worse... My breathing is constricted and I still feel there is something drastically wrong... But for now - I guess I am HIV negative and I do not have the virus but I feel deep inside of my veins that the virus is there... Making me weaker by the day...


But for now until I figure out the real answer... Or convice myself that the doctors are right and I am wrong... I will suffer from anxiety, depression neurosis because of some stupid unresponsible act I comitted....
I hope I do not have the virus and I pray to God that my test results are accurate... But there is still the fear of the doctors being wrong... I had safe sex with this new female and I hope during our make out session and everything we have done together that I have not infected her because of medical errors...
Thanks..

 

~sent via email from Canada, Dec 5, 2002

 
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