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Trying to take it all in

Im a 22yr old female from QLD, aids is always at the back of my mind only because i have taken way to many risk.
what im about to write is kinda hard, as i have never really told anyone, although it feels good to let it out.

i had an upsetting teenage life...my ex boyfriend treated me very badly and cheated on me several times throughout our 4yr relationship. how to make me feel like shit was his fav pass time (in the end i was cheating on him to). i ended up leaving him for the person im with now. my ex and i r both proud parents of our 19 month old girl. i have been working for the last 12 months full time and i have been with my new partner for about 17 months now. i cheat on him to and dont even feel bad about it....i use protection all the time except for drunken sex i had a few weeks back without a condom, cant belieave how silly iam for doing it and i really cant remember what happened at all. i dont consider myself a slut as i dont project myself to others that way..mabey ive got a head problem or i just dont know what i want from life. In total i think ive sleept with about 22 people and most of the people i still know! my new partner thinks ive only sleept with about 3 people/i hate lying but you kinda become good at it!! i have cheated on my new partner about 50 times mostly with the father of my child - he still wants me back but i felt good about leaving him- i never thought id do it and unfortunatley it was after i had our daughter! i wanted her to have two parents together and make things right(whats right these days) only because my parents were devorced!!
NEW PARTNER: We both really dont trust each other and that tells me alot, only because im cheating on him all the time, i want to stop and i feel he might have cheated on me and im paparing myself to find out he has done it, bad way to think, but i really think (oh, if i cheat on him and i find out he has dont it to me then ill feel ok cause ive been doing it the whole time) playing games is not good.

anyways, he has warts and has had them since we meet..i have never had an STD in my life and still dont as far as i know. lately though he has been having a few weird symtoms - herps mabey i think and hes trying to blame me. after i did find out he had warts i went to the docs and they cant see any on me - i had a clamidya test and gohnarea one the other week to(spelling?) NOTHING. i had an aids test about 1yr ago and Nope??? i cant belieave i dont have anything yet(not that i want it) we use condoms at the moment in case what he has now is catchy.

I want to have another one but dont want to until get the courage, i have been reading a lot of these stories and really see the light...everyones advice is different and im trying to take it all in, i reakon i got problems, some of the stories shit on mine. I should really sit back and take a good look at why i choose to possibly ruin my destiny.
i dont have any advice to give as i dont really see myself as ONE TO LISTEN TO !!

Sent via Email - Qld, Australia. September 14, 2003

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