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Looked for love in all the wrong places

I found out I Had HIV in May 1999, It was like another chapter in my life has just begin,when my doctor entered the room asking me if I knew what i was here for, I never think about her telling me positive. When she said Positive My eyes blink, My Jaws were tight, I could not move,I just cried ,and yelled, "oh god what about my kids, my mom , my family", I can not tell no one, Even the doctor cried with me. My life is over I thought, and still do sometimes, I have three Kids 17,15,and 12 two girls and my boy. I love them dearly.


I keep this to myself because I can not trust no one .I had an uncle who died of Aids 4 years ago and people in my family did not treat him right. Iam scared that will happen to me. My father has HIV, It's really Hard for me. Iam a singal parent, I have friends that I can not trust to tell, My mom has health problems High blood pressure so I cant tell her now, Iam trying to find my self Iam 35 years old And I know I always wanted to help others, also write a book, I take my medication everyday, I lost so much weight even my kids notice my son always say mom look at your arms they are so small my daughter notice my legs are small, she has had dreams of me dying, My mother feel somthing wrong. I just tell them its ok.I hate that Because Its Not ok. Know their wanting to know what and when Iam going to do something with my self, But deep down inside I feel Like It's too Late for Me TO get out ther and get a career, I feel depressed most of the time I feel like I just cant do,and I dont know what can I do. The only thing i feel I can do is raise my youth and guide them because i never had know one to guide me thats why I was fast goingup, with no father just my mom and brother who went to jail all his life so it was only me, My mother stared her life with her man, so I had to raise my self ,so I looked for love in all the wrong places, not knowing I was being used. I am so so lonely, I have guys who like me but telling them my problem would only make people know about me the friend I have know wonder why I wont have a baby My problem is telling because I deal with so much rejection in my life. I turn to God yes, I do and I believe, I am scared, very, very scared.

 

Sent via Email - October 24,2003, Philadelphia, USA.

 
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