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I am a 33 year old attractive white female, college educated, living in the midwest. I am going in to receive my HIV test results today. I am terrified and have gone thru two weeks of waiting in total terror and with extreme anxiety. I have remained awake late most nights and had horrid nightmares. You see I do have a risk because three years ago after my divorce, during a very lonely time in my life...I was deeply depressed and careless. I've never done drugs, but I can't say for sure that any of the guys I dated didn't. They didn't seem like they did, but one never really knows.

A year ago...I was tested for STDs when I met my current fiance, thinking they'd also test for HIV since I asked to be tested for everything. The doctor had said they would only call if there was a positive test. At the time I assumed that that meant HIV test results too. But later I learned you need to make an appointment in my state to get the results for an HIV test. I know I never made an appointment to get HIV results. Knowing this and knowing there aren't any HIV test results in my medical chart, I concluded I was not tested for it like I thought I was when STD testing was done. So two weeks ago I was tested again and am going in today to hear the results. I have been so anxious and crying all day. I hope the one lesson I can pass on whether I'm positive or negative is the sheer hell that one goes thru waiting for results and the terror one has thinking of a future with HIV.

Please don't have unprotected sex. If you do, get tested right away. Know that unprotected sex is not going to bring you the love you seek unless you are in a loving, honest relationship where you know without a doubt that you are both negative...nor will sex bring the comfort you long, no matter how lonely you are. Trusting someone's word isn't enough. I trusted some people who I dated, and because I was going thru a rough time in my life I trusted that they were not HIV infected because they told me they had been tested and were negative. Now I realize what a mistake it was not to really be cautious and protect myself. I'm so anxious that I'm to the point where I'm not sure how I can NOT be positive, because I've certainly made enough mistakes having unprotected sex that I am at significant risk. In all, I think I've slept with 12 men since my divorce. Many of whom I was dating for a few months at a time, one who was a one night stand. I don't recall whether or not I used condoms, I know sometimes I did. But sometimes I know I didn't.

Waiting for these results has made me realize how much pain I could cause my fiance, his family and my family. I am terrified and urge all young women to be appreciative of their bodies, protect themselves, and know the risks. Be sure to ask specifically for an HIV test when you are tested for STDs. Don't assume they'll test you for HIV along with the other STD tests...they may not as was the case for me.

I hope to come home today with news that I am negative. I am very unsure of what to do if I am positive. Be careful ladies. Be careful.


Sent via Email Jan 14 , 2004 from Midwest, USA.

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