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Trying to make sense of it

I found out 6 months ago anout my HIV status and life has been a struggle to say the least. There seems to be no signs of consitency and struggle to make sense of my existence now. Where do you find the strength when you feel so alone? I am a 29 year old gay male living in Toronto Canada. The results came as both a shock and not a shock if that makes any sense. I wondered how I could let this happen to myself and the answer is becoming more and more clear and I feel like I need to say something about it. We as gay men in society have little value placed on us and it started in the very early years. Growing up we hear the negative words about homosexuality uttered by the people we love the most and on the playgrounds, at school being gay is said as an insult. I think after feeling for so long that I was a disgusting part of nature based on societial values, you begin to value your own life less on both a conscious and unconscious level. Even though I knew how to protect myself and critical moments I did not have the self esteem to do so. Here in lies the problem. I think to make sense of what has become of me maybe I could do something for the young and not so young that never felt there life was worth and damn. Don't get me wrong I am not taking the blame off myself completely. I am an educated successful professional, handsome young man who could have hand the world in the palm of his hands. Yet to think that and still make the choices I have confuses me somewhat I must admit.
Just trying to make sense of it all....
 
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