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Young girls, please listen

My name is adrian, and i am a 23 year old black lesbian (previously bi-sexual) female from ca, recently moved to Louisiana. This is a long story that happened in December 2003, so please don't cut it short. It took a long time for me to admit these events to anyone. It would mean a lot if you left in in tact.

I am going through one hell of a time in my life, similar to the stories i have read on here. I, like many young women had a rough, semi-troubled teenage life. No drugs though, not much sex as a teen. I wasn't really desired by men because i am short and fat and have always been. Around the age of 19 i lost about 90+ pounds on a diet drug and got to finally experience dating on a real scale, and tried my best to adapt to what eventually became the culture shock involved with dating men. I was once too ugly to get dates and since they were all over me at that time, i found out what it was like to really be used. That's when i began to accept the one night stand. I was still having protected sex only.i think during that time, my sex partner count boomed from 3 or so to about 15 partners, excluding women. I think it may have only been two years until i met the man i married.

When i got married, we were together for about 6 months if that long. I had tried several times to get pregnant and miscarried a couple of times by then, so i started to try and get a fertility doctor. That's when they called me for problem one. I was called on the job by the doctors office and told that i had hpv/ genital warts. By this time i was 21 and couldn't figure out for my life what to tell my husband (who i am sure was cheating on me anyway). So i ended up telling him nothing, but i did stop having sex with him without telling him why. He eventually left me due to problems with his mother , his cheating, and because he was abusing me just like the other men i had been with or at least dated.
Well, after he left me, i went into a serious manic depressive state that i am still dealing with to this day. He changed my life in the worst way possible. As a result of depression from him leaving me and once again becoming the fat girl nobody liked, i started sleeping with any one who showed an interest with me. I moved to another state where it only got worse. I was dating and sometimes sleeping with men i knew were former drug addicts. Not necessarily iv users, but what i failed to realize was that when people are any kind of high, sex is just that and they don't care who it's with. I went back home and felt like i was contaminated with the hpv and all. I still told no one i had hpv. As bad as i wanted to, i never did. Well, i moved to another state again since i couldn't take possibly seeing my ex-husband in my hometown. By this time, i am not even working but on disability due to getting manic depression in behind my ex-husband's departure. I also developed an allergy to black men that translated into a "doesn't matter what white guy - i'm gonna do what i have to in order to get him because they treat you better than black men" attitude.

So i moved here to louisiana - the state with a very high number of aids cases i am told of now.i arrive and finally get myself together in an apartment and meet a few girl "friends" to hang out with. Well, what i did was worse than anything i could have ever imagined. Just hanging around them with my mental illness was a problem. I'm not impressionable either, but i found myself at clubs in which people were high off of everything from cocaine, heroine, to ecstasy and even cough syrup. So i'm getting drunk as hell by this time just out of trying to adapt to the clubs' atmospheres. Enter Mark .

This is a warning to all young women here and just everywhere.
After leaving a club one night with a girl who was really trampy - much worse than me - we meet mark and another guy in the parking lot. She asks him where they're partying and i say "yeah we'll be there". That night changed my life in ways i am not even sure of yet.
We get there and we are the only two black girls. This mark guy is obviously on something but i don't think about it at the time. So while everyone else was kind of into the other girl (she is ths skinny, sluttier of us), mark was laying his moves on me. So i'm trying to live up to my party girl persona that was growing. I end up sleeping with mark that night. I asked him before doing anything, do you have anything? I made sure he put a condom on. During sex however, he started getting a bit rough. I think he put on altogether 5 condoms in one round of sex. I would keep reaching to check that the condom was on, and when i couldn't feel it he would say - "it must be sliding, let me get a new one". I felt nothing at that time, but pain , since his penis was huge to me, but i figured "when do i get sex?" So i let him keep going. I knew something was wrong when i could feel when he came - like a sharp sting. I had no feeling that it was semen since the last time i felt for a condom it was intact no rips or tears. I simply thought maybe he tore me to the point of pain. I just got up, woke up the other girl, took her home, and went home and took a bath.

As soon as i get in the bath tub, i started feeling a cramp. I was burning anyway due to the tear he made (he ripped me a little), so i soaked for a while. I looked down and thought a worm was in the tub with me. I see a condom floating. Now 2. Now 3. Now 4. I had no clue men actually wanted to risk their lives or pregnancy so it never came to mind during sex that he would possibly take it off on purpose.that let me know he either way i needed to keep in touch with this guy in case i had a problem on my hand.
So i contact the guy and he acts like he is some sort of a player, so i'm like whatever, and left it alone. So i see him at a club, he doesn't speak, i still approach with that girl from that infamous night in tow-we both question him about why he's acting so funny. He started saying i was all over him and wouldnt stop calling since he had girls with him. I didn't even go off because i didn't want him to think i would get someone on him or anything for trying to dog me out. I needed him to be comfortable enough to tell me if he had found something out, etc. I hated him though, already.

So a week passes, and i start feeling a burning sensation when urinating. I can't even describe the excruciating pain involved with trying to do a number 2! It got so bad that i started having to get in the bath tub after using the toilet just so the burn would calm down. That's when i noticed some bumps (obviously not hpv by their pain) near my rectum, and some on my inner labia. That's when i went to the doctor, thinking i hope it's just hemorrhoids. I go buy hemorrhoid cream and can't even spread my cheeks to apply the stuff. That's when my fears of going to the doctor had to be faced. So i went.

The doctor first told me that it looked like i had a bad case of hemmorhoids, then he took the smear and had it labbed. He came back in with two presciptions, one for acyclovir and the other for diflucan. He told me i had a severe case of herpes -common for the first outbreak. I'm pissed at the world now!!! this is so unfair to me since i did my part as far as i knew. I felt for condoms, everything. I had no clue. So i call mark. I say hey....what's going on...so uh, why didn't you say you had herpes when i asked if you had anything? He started lying about how he just went to the doctor and he's clen etc...yeah fucking right, he had been the first man in louisiana i slept with, and the last. It took one night for him and my irresponsibility to ruin my body.

So about a week later, he calls the girl i was with the night this started. He tells her how he just wants to stay friends and all that , i suppose for damage control. By this time i had scheduled 3 aids tests that i was too scared to go and take. I told her yeah, we can go over there. I needed to see more into this guys world before i go take this aids test just to find out if he takes any prescriptions prescribed to him, or if i can find anything with his name, etc. Proof i was there in case he ever tried to say he never knew me.anything to make sure he couldn't get away if he had sentenced me to suffer. I planned to prosecute if necessary.
So we get there and he gets all fraudulently nice, trying to act like he's interested in being friends. I start asking all sorts of questions. I find out:
1. He was an ex inmate who went to prison for raping and getting pregnant some 12 year old girl
2.i found a tablet in his bathroom labeled mylan 302. I look on the website mylan.com and find out it is the generic for acyclovir - so i knew he was aware he was sick.
3.he was an avid crack user, known for sleeping with crackheads
4.he only appeared to be living comfortably because his parents died and left him 80,000 - $40,000 of which he admittedly blew on crack.
5.he has a son with the 12 year old (now about 16/17) in san antonio texas
6.he rapes girls with his college buddies next door (we were there the first night too)

I was terrified!!!!!i no longer had a need to find out anything more. I took an envelope addressed to him, and left immediately after this conversation to go search for that pill. After looking it up, i had it in my mind that this guy was miserable and just didn't care who he gave what to. It's kind of like he's punishing women. I was getting scared of pregnancy too since this was almost february and i had no period. So i told him it is possible that i was pregnant and he freaked.

I eventually ran into this guy again at a club maybe a month later, and in talking to him about how he's doing and all he said the worst thing he couldv'e said to me in my state of mind. I asked him "why do you think you can't stop using, why don't you find yourself or something?" After he was telling me he may be getting evicted and all since he's blowing his rent money on drugs. He looked me in the face and said " well it really doesn't fucking matter, i'll probably die of pneumonia in a year or some shit like that anyways". I was mortified. I had already began noticing rashes on my hands, little bumps here and there on my face, and the worst kind of a sign to me, my mouth began to look a little white to me. I kept trying to pass it off as though maybe my tongue ring might have been infected, but i knew better to a degree.i hoped i was being foolish.
So time passes, i am now living like a walking corpse. No going out, no real thoughts of a future at all. It is now march. I haven't had a period since december and all pregnancy tests proved not pregnant. I had my family at home going crazy because they had no idea if i was pregnant or miscarrying again, and i had myself going crazy because i wanted to tell someone so bad that i thought i might have gotten aids. I even tried to tell an e.r. Doctor and he told me "well, the herpes should teach you a lesson". True but painful.

Yesterday morning, i got up and said okay, i'd rather know. This is driving me crazy. I went to webmd.com and looked up the first signs of hiv infection. I have had almost every single one of them. That's when i decided to go to the e.r. And have them do a blood count and see if they could diagnose the white coating on my tongue, the pain in my rectum while having a bowel movement, and worst of all the worsening feeling that i have a lump in my throat. They did a pap, never tested my mouth but looked and said it didn't look like thrush, and a rectal exam. I ended up getting a shot for an infection (which one i don't know) and another prescription for flagyl and domocycline or something like that.
I am now a nervous wreck. I thought manic depression was a horrible thing, but i see now that whatever i am going through is much worse. I have been treated 3-4 times for chlamydia and/or gonnorhea now, and it seems like it's never going away. I have painful bumps here and there in small amounts on my face arms, and butt. How could this happen to me over and over again? Why couldn't i just end up pregnant (something i wanted to do successfully for years), or with crabs, or something lightweight. I have been hit with two of the lifelong std's, and i hope aids /hiv is not the third. I promised my mother that i would go get tested tomorrow, and i promise all of you as well, as i am sure that many of you undertstand my pain one way or the other. I can fully take responsibility for all my slip-ups in the sex arena, but this time i was a real victim. He did this to me on purpose obviously by his comment, and by taking that condom off. He knew something and did this to me anyway.
I am writing here in hopes that some of you who may be positve or may not can walk with me through all of this. I have told my family and i am returning home this week. However - whether i have it or not. I will never be the same. I feel contaminated. I have always been on top of what aids symptoms are etc., And i had been had by whoever gave me hpv (my ex-husband is suspect #1 because i just didn't have unprotected sex until him and i know he cheated), so i feel stupid. I feel smart enough to follow up on this one nighter, but boy do i feel dirty.
I am definitely going to comment on whether or not i am shown positive when i do test and let all you readers here know what happened. I didn't make you read all this for nothing.

Young girls, especially rebellious ones: please listen to me because i was once probably walking in your shoes. Please don't walk in mine. Wait on sex, and if you can't wear a body armor if you have to. There are many people in this world who don't give a damn about you, and that guy may be one of them.

Sent via Email Mar 29,2004 from LA, USA.

 
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