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Lost in limbo

I'm a 32yo guy from Dallas, Tx.....On March27, 2004 I engaged in unprotected anal sex with a friend. We were on Spring Break and both of us where drunk, let our inhibitions down and had unprotected sex. On March 31, 2004, I received an e-mail from him asking me to go to the doctor's office to have myself checked because the doctor informed him that he's got asymptomatic syphilis. He did not disclose to me about his HIV status at that time. I got scared and went to the doctor's office to have penicillin shots. The nurse asked me whether i know my friend's HIV status; to which the answer is no. I called my friend asked him his HIV status. After a couple of minutes of interrogation, he finally told me that aside from contracting Syphilis, he also tested positive for HIV. Just then i realized what it means when someone says "my life flashed before my eyes". My head began spinning and thoughts of my Mom, my sister, my wonderful nephews flooded mind. What if I'm positive too? How am i going to tell them? Would i be there to watch my nephews grow up? Would my brother-in-law let me near my nephews at all (he's got strong opinions about people with HIV, and they're not pleasant). The nurse informed me that I could get tested for HIV, but since it's only been 4 days since my exposure, the test will quite possible be negative. She wanted me to come back in 3 weeks to get tested...and if that's negative, she suggested to keep taking the test after 3 mos....and then at 6 months. I am terrified a hell right now. I can't sleep at night counting the days till my first testing, which will be on April 16, 2004. Everyday when i wake i become more and more paranoid and obssessive. I keep checking my body for any signs and malady. I question every sneeze, I inspect every inch of my body for marks and questions them. I don't know how much more of this I can take. This waiting period is the most excruciating part of this experience. I feel helpless. I feel that I can't talk about this to anyone in fear of being shunned by friends and family. A couple of people i talked to on the phone at the AIDS Resource center in Dallas says that there are some cases where unprotected sex with an HIV+ person, does not always result in HIV transmission...it's rare, but it happens. At least that's one glimer of hope that I'm counting on right now. Also, prior to the sexual encounter with my friend, I was taking penicillin antibiotics for almost 2 weeks for a prior abscess in my wisdom tooth. Although, antibiotics does not combat virus, I'm HOPING that my immune system is elevated enough to fight any infections.....it's a far-fetched idea, but that's what I've been telling myself to keep from getting crazy thinking my situation. Please, any words of encouragment or sympathy will be greatly appreciated. I'm lost in limbo right now, everyone here had experienced the same anxiety that I am going through right now. Everyday that i wake up, i'm begining to accept the fact that I could possibly be HIV positive....hoping is good, but i have to face reality.....right now, I give my whole body and soul to the Lord....i pray a lot..."I am not worthy to receive you Lord, but your will be done"
God Bless,

Sent via Email April 5,2004 from Dallas, tx, USA.

 
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