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I couldn't resist

Im a 21 y/o guy from the Philippines, and I will be turning 22 this July. My stressful situation begun on June of 2002. I was only 19 that time. I met this chinese guy in a chatroom and after a couple of hours I see myself in his room. Im a bisexual and we do oral and anal sex. But its not just end there, someone knocked at the door and another guy came in. It was the lover of the chinese guy and he joined us in the bed. It was really annoying and I couldn't resist to them to have sex with me because I thought that if I didnt agreed they will gewt mad. Im very muc aware about HIV/AIDS and I dont know what happened to me those times. I didnt even asked them to use condom so i just go with the flow. After one week i felt that i have AIDS because of what i have done. I cried every night so I decided to undergo test for HIV that was on july 0f the same year. I even asked my 2 close friends to come with me in the hospital. The doctor asked me why am I like to be test. i just told him that i will join a club and it is one of the requirements to be part of it. After 2 days I got the result, it was negative. I thought that it was the end of my sleepless night. I even showed it to my close friends that im negative of HIV because they were all worried about me. But someone told me that it takes 6 months or more after the exposure is the ideal time to be tested. I was so devastated. I even almost failed my subjects. I cried every night but I prayed to God to give me piece of mind. Somehow it really helped me. On november of 2002(the same year) I decided to be retested again on another laboratory but i just go there and they didnt asked me. They just get a blood sample and tol me to come back after 5 days. the result was negative. But it says 6 months so I again went to another laboratory and test for HIV.This was on february 3 of 2003, it was negative and im so happy those times. Even my classmates and friends were all happy. I thought that all my worries will die. Then one night my anxiety started again. I dont know if this is really me or maybe God is punishing me. It just cAme in my mind that the laboratories/med-techs that I have been tested did'nt really test my blood because they will just think that IM SO YOUNG TO HAVE LIKE THIS AND i just thought that there were no order coming from a physician. Until it became worst, moths later but I still fighting and believing that the results were credible. But I just cant stop thinking about this. I want to explode sometimes. I know that someday it will end i just cant stop to cry sometimes for what i haVe been experiencing. IM SO PARANOID. I Just want to know where is the right physician to go. Please help me out here. I think i have the same problem like this in one of the stories here. Im so sad and i just want to have a normal life again. please also pray for me. I just want to be happy again. May God help us all and may the drug that can solve this deadly disease will be made as soon as possible. Thnx for reading my story. Love u all.


Sent via Email June 25, 2004 from Manila, Philippines.

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