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Living with fear

Hello,
I'm a 21 year old male living with the fear of having HIV.
I just got out of a year long relationship with another male early April and in the course of 3 months we have been apart have had sexual contact with 8 guys. Not all anal sex, mostly just oral sex performed on me, hand jobs and so fourth. I wasn't penetrated by none of them and I only penetrated 3 of them with condoms. 1 of them being my current boyfriend.
I was tested for HIV twice in June. One being a home test and one at the doctors office by drawing blood. It was my first test in 2 years so I was extreamly excited to hear that it was negative. But, I was also still paranoid seeing that I was very educated about the 'window period'. I took it as a blessing and went on with life.


I have been seeing the certain guy for the past two and a half years strictly for blowjobs. I hadn't seen him on over a year seeing I was in a committed relationship. I really never performed oral sex on him, except for maybe twice a long time ago. I called him on the 4th of July and he invited me over. In our meeting, he performed oral sex on me and I performed it on him and I did swallow his come. Like always, I regret it when I leave his house probably because I feel dirty and cheap when I visit him seeing the nature of our relationship, 'in and out'.


3 days later I developed a kind of sore throat which only hurt or irritated when I swallowed. After alot of research online and with the HIV sites saying symptoms are sore throat and such I began to completely freak out. Some comfort was also the belief that it may just have been a bacterial infection or that he may have had a sore or streep throat and it may have been passed along to me. All in all, the sore throat only lasted maybe 2 and 1/2 days and went away completly.


Today, 2 days after my sore throat went away I have been driving myself crazy with the thought that maybe I do have HIV. I think my paranoia is causing me to have stomach cramps and 'the runs', (other symptoms that link to HIV.) But it's almost like if I read about the symptoms I can automaticlly feel it. I think I am just paranoid and nervous. I know I have to go get tested again, but I am still in that window period.


I think I am just going to wait it out, and practice abstanance and get tested in 3 months, after the window period. Thank you for reading my story.

Sent via Email July 13, 2004 from San Antonio, TX, USA

 
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