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I'm so worried

Ok, so I've messed up again. Every time I have screwed up in the past I have made a plea with God: this will never happen again if you let me be healthy. Well, God, it's happened again, and again, and again...multiple times with two different men. How stupid can I be? Well, being a 21 year old, white-female college student, I guess it's easy to mess up. My long-term boyfriend and I broke up and I decided it would be fun to hit the dating scene. It was fun, but why did I NEED to cross the line? Am I that naive? NO, I am an intelligent young woman, quite aware of everything that is going on around her...or so I thought.


What was I thinking? I went on a date with someone I knew in high school. A nice guy, nice family. The date went well, maybe too well. We went for a couple drinks, played some pool, had some more drinks, and then he took me back to my car, which was conveniently parked at his house. Why did I have to go in his house? Why was I so stupid. "Why don't you come in. We can watch a movie," he said to me, and I believed him. A movie, right! I am not saying it is his fault, but one thing lead to another, and boom I had unprotected sex with someone I barely knew. It didn't phase me for a while. I actually had unprotected sex with him a few times after that as well. How could I have been so careless?


Guy number two I met at a bar. Nothing happened with him until about a month and a 1/2 later when we met up one night after we had both been out with our friends. Ya, and this time it wasn't even "let's go watch a movie," like the other guy. It was "hey let's meet up and talk." Ya, lets talk, at 2:30am, in a parking lot, in the back of a car. Ok, lets get serious. How stupid could I have been? I also slept with him a few more times after that, unprotected.


You would honestly think I didn't have any idea about HIV/Aids. I have been educated about it enough throughout my life to know the risks! Every year I go for a GYN exam, and last year was the first year I had an HIV test because I had unprotected sex with someone on spring break (when I was on another break from my bf). It came back negative. I have never had any real HIV-related symptoms since my last test (June 2003), but I can't help but think I might be infected.
Last week I had a sore throat, itchy eyes, no swollen glands, a little tired, but maybe it's just the flu. I've had the flu probably twice in the last year, but like I said, nothing really matching HIV symptoms. I won't know until I get tested tomorrow. I am so scared. My boyfriend and I have been together for six years on and off. I love him. There has never been any indication he was ever unfaithful to me, even when we took many-a-break. I can't say the same for me. I have been with at least 20 guys, since the beginning of college (most protected), but I can't help but think this is the way he would find out that I have been with so many people: I would tell him I have HIV. He has no idea what an absolute slut I've been. I really don't know what to feel right now. I am scared because now he isn't feeling well. I feel a little bit better becasue he has the same exact sickness I did last week: sore throat, tired, flu-like symptoms. I know from reading up on the virus that it spreads very quickly when the person has these symptoms, but what are the chances I gave it to him and he is already feeling this way. I'm so worried.
I know I should be concentrating on myself and not worrying what I am going to tell him, my family, or my friends, but I can't help it. I worry they will not want to look at me, hug me, be near me. Especially my wonderful boyfriend. I couldn't bare losing him.


I am getting mentally prepared for the test tomorrow. Even though I'm scared, I know it's the right thing to do. I have to know either way.

 

Sent via Email Aug 4, 2004 from NH.

 

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