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Saving Ourselves

As I am writing this email, I am nervous, because I see everything in you inside of me. The thoughts you were able to compose were so similar to how I feel, I just cannot believe someone could capture my thoughts and feelings this way.

Let me start by introducing myself to you. I am 32 years old, African American mother of 4 small children. I have a BA degree and I have been married. Unfortunately, I am divorced now. I have spent my entire life trying to find a HUSBAND. In this day and age, a lot of men don't believe in marriage, which leaves women in a very awkward situation, because we want to feel the love they give and we want to feel secure with them and it is no mystery why, because God (I call him Jehovah) He designed us that way. I have spent my entire adult life feeling like with each new relationship I have contracted the virus. Even though I have been tested throughout most of my relationships, you just never know if someone is cheating on you or if they are truly dishonest about their lifestyle. I have made a conscience decision to be alone, and I don't want to say this to discourage you at all, but my decision is for many reasons. I have to raise my children. My last boyfriend and I used protection, however, on July 26, 2004 I went to Reno, Nevada with him hoping he would marry me (as if that would make my life better) Yeah right! (smile)

So I finally decided not to use condoms because I figured I would be the man's wife in the morning. Well needless to say, he changed his mind and we did not get married. I was confused and devastated. I had just had my last test in March 2004 and I have a "condom policy" but the Bible says the "Heart is treacherous and who can trust it". He has not been the best boyfriend at all and that we can save for another time, but what I am trying to saying is in my pursuit to fill a space that I felt was empty, I once again lost control and allowed my deep feelings for someone perhaps hurt me. So here I am fearing the worst.


Until recently I felt there was no hope in any us saving ourselves. I felt like dying because I felt like I could not trust myself and I don't trust men, and I felt like I could not go on in this cycle, it is like playing "Russian Rullet" and all we as women are trying to do is feel safe and secure with men. But the only thing that is giving me any hope now is learning more about God and His purpose for mankind. All of us, you and me. It is not by accident that we were both given an opportunity to live on this earth. Don't forget now that Jesus was perfect and had to suffer on this earth. God knows our heart and he knows we are imperfect and we make mistakes. After Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of eden, that was it for mankind. We had no hope for a brighter future, until God allowed his child, his only Begotten son to be born and to die for imperfect humans like you and me. Now unforseen occurrences befall us all. We know that Satan was cast out of heaven and now resides on the earth and he is trying to make us believe that God does not care for us. Jesus died on the torture stake, no God did not rescue him, however, he did care deeply. His outcome had to be to show us that a resurrection would be possible and he was resurrected 3 days after his death. He also had to pass that way because Jesus used his life as a ransome sacrafice for us imperfect humans to right the wrong that Adam and Eve had done to mankind. Now the Bible does say that this system as we know it will come to pass and soon, there will be no more tears, pain, or crying. I have to believe that and so do you. You may say how do you believe this will be true. Well you have never met me face to face, but you know I exist because I am writing to you. I know that God and his Son and his promises exist because it is written in our manual for living, the Holy Bible. I want to tell you that I am afraid of change, and to hear that I may be positive will be a frightening change indeed. My biggest concern are my children. I sometimes wish I never had children, because even if I don't die from this, anything can happen to a parent and I would never want my children to be abandoned and fending for themselves. I want to raise them because I know that what we are experiencing, they will be experiencing something 100 times worse soon. And I want them to develop a relationship with God because that is all I can give them. When everyone else leaves and go about their own lives, I want them to know who God is, the relationship they share with Him may be their reason to continue to live. Because I must truly believe that He would not allow us to go thru anything we could not truly bear. The Bible speaks of these things we are going thru and although I would love to be married with a picket fence, a dog, two car garage, that may not come to be because these are the "last days" the Bible speaks of and there just aren't many people who want a wholesome life with a spouse. So I will be content with good wholesome friends. It is so important. Because we don't truly why some of us are afflicted with certain things, but we need each other for support and to help us carry the torch when we are too weak to do so. I hope you can find it in your heart to respond to my email. May Jehovah continue to bless you and grant you wisdom and peace. AMEN. I hope to hear from you soon........... If you didn't know why you were here and why you should remain here, think of me. You have touched my heart in a very special way and if I did not read your email today I would have felt totally alone. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for being you..........


Sent via email Aug 19, 2004 from San Francisco, USA

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