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Moment of pleasure

I am so scared. I went overseas to find someone who would love me. Unfortunately I left all my common sense at home, got drunk and placed too much trust in other people. Ended up getting chatted up by a woman in a bar who said I looked sad. I was miserable at the time lonely as hell. She told me she was also miserable and lonely, Had a child, no father etc. I felt sorry for her. She shouted me drinks and was nice to me. She ended up buying me dinner and then offered me to go back to her place. The biggest mistake I made. Next thing I was in her bed. I was happy to just lie there but biology & chemistry is sometimes too hard to resist. She seemed so nice. After touching me I requested if she had condoms. She did, but me always having problems with condoms realised i couldn't perform with one on. Next thing she was trying to get me to perform unprotected sex. Why damn it did I eventually give in? I am so angry with myself. I found out later she had stolen money from my wallet and later discovered she did it to another man - i.e 'a prostitute in disguise'. Ever since that day I have gone into shock mode. I have sent her messages on a mobile number she gave me, but she claims she is adamant she has no STDs , HIV etc as was tested '7 months ago'. But she has already proven she is a liar and unsafe. 2 x weeks later I have experienced a sore troat, the sides of my neck felt stiff and I became extremely fatigued. I cannot tell whether the stiffness is from straining my neck from playing in the surf or whether it is the swollen lymph node symptoms. was the sore throat from swallowing salt water? How long does it last? Muscle aches aren't really specified when you look up for symptoms - it is all so general that I have virtually convinced myself I have the symptoms. And how long does it last? I broke down in the shower the other day crying my eyes ou and shaking severelyt. I have cried almost every day now. All I can picture is my family - so clean and who look up to me with so much respect and dignity, All I can picture is my totally wonderful mother and my sister and brother breaking down and me ruining their lives as well. All my work colleagus and friends, my job, I wanted a wife, a family, a happy life. I cannot think at work. I am avoiding everyone as much as possible cause I am so miserable and scared. I have another 5 weeks to wait for the 3 month window and I feel like dying. I went through this once before and here I am again in the same boat. I cannot believe that for a moment of pleasure I am now suffering for 12 weeks of torturous pain and potentially have changed my life forever. I need help please someone help me. I have never been so scared in my whole life.

Sent via Email, September 1, 2004 from New Zealand

Story Update October 7, 2004


Thanks Carolena,
after an excruciating 12 week window period wait, I went and obtained my results. It was the worst day of my life. The night before I tried to prepare for the worst but could not mentally do it. I went into a complete foggy shock mode. I would look at people talking to me and see right through them. I walked to work that day and was a complete zombie, absolutely fatalistic and expecting the absolute worst. My body was weak, I felt drained - adrenaline had all but sapped my energy levels and reduced my resistance to whatever was in the air, I felt stuffy, fluish, and completely terrible. I left work early and caught the 'death train' to the clinic where I was adamant that the nurse there would deliver my death sentence. i got to the clinic 1/2 hour early cursing myself that I could have had 1/2 hour more time to try and pretend that I was okay. I looked at the nurse, who opened my file and I thought she looked dissapointed/sad at what she saw. She did not smile and when she saw me looking at her she turned away. I started to shake severely. My heart rate shot right up to many bpm. She called my name and led me to a rear waiting room - 'Oh no', I thought. This must be where the positive result patients go. I walked into a room where she went in. I sat down, my face flushed and my legs and body trembling. She said, "Everything's fine", "HIV Negative, HEP B & C negative, gohnorrhea neg, syphillis neg, chlamydia negative".. I said to her "Are you sure?" She said, "Yes this is what the results are". I could not believe it. I was in a 'reverse shock'. I still felt like I had symptoms. I asked her a few more times if she was sure.
I am still in disbelief and now think I am on 'extended time' from the man upstairs, been granted a 'reprieve', a 'second chance' to be a good boy. I am so relieved but at the same time keep on thinking 'why do I have all these symptoms?' 'Why am I so sick?' So maybe now I will see a 'regular doctor' and get a 'regular' blood test for other nasties not STI related. Thanks so much for people like you who people like me can turn to in times of crisis. I am so grateful that there are people to turn/write to. I never ever want to go through what I went through and the same goes for everyone else who is in the same position I was in.
Promiscuity, unsafe sex is like putting a round into a six shot chamber of a revolver and pulling the trigger. Many times you will be safe, but there is no way to tell if you are
I hope and pray that a cure is found for HIV & AIDS and a vaccination for both as well. It is the most hideous, evil, disgraceful disease I know, a worldwide plague of devastating proportions. I never realised how prolific it is and how easy it is to catch - just being with the wrong person at the wrong time can do it - something so apparently innocent and pleasurable as making love with someone can be so deadly - such a little microscopic virus - just like other little viruses that can perforate/penetrate the lining of human skin and enter little tubes that I never thought possible and once it enters the blood stream, you're gone - you've got it. How evil is that. From monkeys in Africa to humans worldwide - let's hope that all the scientists, academics, governments and every possible company and institution that deals with prevention and cure research, can band together in a massive unison of thoughts, funds and technology to once and for all stamp out this horrific problem. The same goes for HEP C and any other terminal diseases spread via STI methods/blood. I pray for those who are positive and hope that soon, real soon there are great breakthroughs and systems put into place to expedite medications, vaccinations and cures to be made available to all.

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