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In my thoughts

Like some people that come on to this site i am scared that I am HIV +. I didn't really think about HIV until the end of last year when I started dating a guy that was very sexually health consious. The more I thought about it the more terrified I became. For some unkown reason I have been incredibly stupid, I think back to the people I've slept with, without protection and I think of the symptoms I got a few weeks after sleeping with one guy and I think to myself, how could you of been that stupid? I wish i could go back two years and give my self a good talking but I know thats impossible.

Im due to get married in three weeks, (its to that very sexually health concious guy I mentioned) he has been amazing through out this and I think to myself, your lucky, you have someone that loves you no matter what....but even that doesn't ease my fear. I know i've got to get tested but im so scared, I don't know what to do, should i get tested now? Im scared that if i find out im positive before the wedding I'm just going to break down (i already suffer from depression) I have to get a test soon though as im driving myself crazy! Also my soon to be husband is trying to sponsor me to stay in the country (at the moment im in canada) and if im positive we need to know what steps to take next. I don't think I will be allowed to stay here if im HIV+. I can't helping thing, god you've really f..ked up things this time! I think thats going to be my biggest challenge if im HIV+......... to forgive myself.....at the moment im not a great fan of me!

Im sorry this turned out to be a long rant, if anyone wants to drop me a line please do, any support t the moment would be increadibly appreciated!!!! I would say god bless, like so many other people but I don't believe in god, I wish i did but i dont, so I will just say take care and for others going through this, your in my thoughts. thanks. gilly.xxx


Sent via Email, August 20, 2004 from UK

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