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Advice

My story is a bit different from others i have read on this site. Im a 29 year old single mother. 3 years ago i moved to a new town and started working at a local bar, there i met the most amazing man (chris) and we bacame the best of friends. Everyone in town knew that he was HIV positive, it wasnt by any means a secret and he did nothing to hide the fact that he was infected. Everyone loved him and his condition wasnt and still has never been an issue. The bond we had was instant, something i have never experienced in my life. As we got to know each other better and told me how he contracted the virus. He was 8 years old and got it through a blood transfusion, he is now 31 years old and has defied the odds, he has not taken any HIV related drugs and i truely believe that his strong and determined nature will get him through this. Our friendship was just that "friendship" for the 3 years. We both knew that there was a spark between us, but i chose to ignore the intensity of it. Two out of the three years i have known him, i was in a sexual relationship with another man that i ended it a few months ago. During the last month chris and myself have spent almost every day together, we have fallen very much in love with each other, i have never felt like this before. Chris has had 4 relationships with other women since he was 18, he said he has never felt like this either. Chris and i kiss and cuddle alot and it feels so right, i just adore him so much, i have fallen head over heals for him. Chris has his good days, others arnt so great, since ive known him i could tell when things wernt so great with him, he always tried to hide it, he would NEVER inflict any of his pain with anyone or show anybody intentionally how he is really feeling, but i always knew by looking into his eyes, it always has and always will break my heart seeing him like that. I always wonder WHY? Why has life dealt him this dreadful card? His strong will and determination towards life is unlike anything i found in a person. I love him for his strong inner self, his kindness, his generosity and his unconditional love for me. I guess the last month for us would be what is known as the "honeymoon" period and as we all know when two people love each other, its time to take "the next step". This is where my issue really lies...i have no answers. i love him and want to go further and i know he does. I know he has had sexual relationships in the past, but as much as i want to, i just cant risk it. I am a single mother...i have a 5 year old son who is my life..and i am his. As much as i love chris i just cant take that risk and it is destroying me. Are there ways of doing this with low to zero risk of contracting HIV?? I have done alot of reading about the virus. I know that Chris has major sexual eurges, what man doesnt? we have been in the most intense intimate situations, just beautiful, but i just cant do it. I know sex isnt everything, i could quite happily live my life with him without having sex, but i know that he wants more. He would NEVER want to hurt me or put me at any kind of risk but as far as im concerned having sex with him is a risk to me. I hate myself for saying this, i really do. If there is ANYONE who can give me any kind of advice... or forward stories or info, it would be very much appreciated. I know it might sound like Chis and i dont communicate...we do...we talk alot but this relationship is in the early stages and i dont want to lose him due to "Sex", i want to be with him, i know there is an answer.

 

Sent via Email, November 25, 2004 from Australia.

 

 
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