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Worried


You cannot imagine what relief I am feeling right now as I am typing. I have had a lot of thinking lately on HIV and all because this issue is something that has bothered me for a couple of years, even before I even really started to be sexually active. I am a 20 year old white woman living in New York, worried about my current HIV status like never before. All my worries started when I was about 14 when I got sick one winter. I wasnt feeling that good though right now if I were to go back and remember it wasn;t as bad as I have made it out to be. So I got all worried about having HIV because i figured I could have gotten it from my cousin because when we were little we played "doctors" naked. Well, he had nowhere to get it from and after finally convincing my parents to get me tested for HIV it came back negative. I swore after that that I would always be careful and use protection and not be as paranoid as I was, almost not living and completely depressed. The hext couple of years I was pretty happy, I was in high school, had some friends and haven't really dated anybody and thus I had nothing to worry about, everything was going great. College pretty much started out the same way - my freshman year was the happiest time of my life I think in terms of everything. Friends, family, school, everything was going well besides one thing - I wanted a boyfriend. After numerous unsuccessful hook-ups from my friend I almost totally gave up on finding the right man.
A summer after freshman year of college I went to the gym to exercise. I meet a guy who I sort of knew from the past, he was my best friend's friend. We end up talking, later hanging out, and then I end up in his apartment performing oral sex on him. Luckily, he did not cum but nevertheless I was worried for quite a long time and waited 3 months to get an HIV test - yes crazy - and it came out negative. The weird thing was that a few days after performing oral sex on him I developed a really bad sore throat with a fever and everything, I thought it would be the end but then it turned out to be something else, completely unrelated. So people should not just assume that if they get a sore throat after performing oral sex they have contracted HIV. Well, I was finished with this guy after that one incident and finally a friend's boyfriend found a guy for me who I actually liked alot. He was 22. Though I felt like we were very different and at times thought that this relationship would be over something about him made me stay with him. He treated me well, was a very caring guy with manners and I thought he had one of the most positive personalities. I was beginning to really like him.


We were performing oral sex on each other but I never swallowed. I was in heaven - happily dating a guy that actually cared and made me feel very good about myself. We spoke on the issues of past partners and he never had sex with anybody before, not even oral. He was always careful with these things, avoiding all the unnecessary risks, and though I found it hard to believe that by the age 23 he was a virgin I nevertheless trusted him like I wouldn't trust anyone else. And I still know he wasn't lying. AIDS was so far away from my mind at this point - I mean it was always there since I am kind of a paranoid person about this particular thing but the fact that he never slept with anybody or did any drugs or had any blood transfusions or surgeries put me into a complete peace of mind. I thought I was completely safe.


Then in the winter he had developed a bad flu after we went out late at night and he wasn't dressed too well and it was very cold. He had a very high fever, lasting a long time and that got me worried. I never had such a thing and I know that people are different and get all kinds of viruses but the first thing back in my mind - HIV. This guy also gets canker sores as well as occasional pimples and small rashes on skin in the winter. Again, I thought i was just being paranoid and he had nowhere to get AIDS from and I dismissed the issue completely. However, I got tested again and thought that if I would come out negative this time it would mean that we are both noninfected, which ofcourse is far from true. I came out Negative. By this time I was having him cum in my mouth everythime, it was summer, I was happy and AIDS has completely left my head. His skin was clear and nothing seemed to be bothering us, we were living our careless young lives, not worried about anything. As fall came about we both got sick, nothing serious just a regular cold for him and a sinus infection for me. Then came the worries of me being pregnant because I wasn't feeling well and when I went to my gynecologist he said it was just the cyst that i have developed which has caused all the symptoms.He was right - it went away and i was feeling better again. However later I got sick again and thats when everything else started. My armpits really hurt, though there didnt seem to be any enlarged lymph nodes I got extremely worried, had a fever for a day, then was feeling really bad and still feel very weak, muscles always twitch, cant sleep at night, dizzy, skin really hurts and has gotten really dry, which never happend even in the winter, little pimples coming up on my skin, fatigue,tingling in my feet and all over my body - thats what I have been experiencing for a month already. To make matters worse my boyfriend got really sick again, with a real bad fever that wouldn't leave for 4 or 5 days and a cough which developed later. He has no medical insurance and refused to go to the doctor. I started showing even more worry and tried asking him to get an HIV test which he refused until I gave him a rational reason for it. I told him that he has been getting sick and having rashes and all. He said he has been having most of these rashes since like junior high school and his canker sores since age 6 and that there is absolutely no place he could think of where he could contract HIV. He also told me that I am paranoid and I told him that I am going to get tested. He is kinda still laughing at me though I am waiting for my results which I get back in 3 days from now. I am worried sick, worried to the point of complete and utter depression, worried like never before because all the other time that i did worry about HIV were obviosly false worries. I have already prepared myself for a phone call from the office (they only call if the results are abnormal) and in case I am positive will be getting help and visiting a psychothrapist because by now I really need as much help as I can get. Thanks for hearing me out, and I will keep you posted.

 

Sent via Email, December 6, 2004 from USA.

 
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