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Why?

I don't know where to start. So here goes. I am 40 years old and have had several relationships in my life time "i am ashamed to say at this time". About 10 years ago I had an HIV test for my own reasons. The reason I am writing today is well, I had been single for a while now and trying to get back into the dating thing. Back around the holidays I was at a friends for a party "on a date" with a new person. There was a guy there that ask my friend about me. She told him I was single and had only been dating this person a short time, well it ended soon after that. So she introduced me to this person, he was younger than I, but I said "why not". So we went on a few dates, with frinds in tow, we had a good time. Then he became ill and ask if I would'nt mind just sitting at home watching a movie, I said ok. Well, he stayed ill and I stayed with him every night taking care of him, night after night. Staying awake, with his shallow breathing, night sweats, aches and pains. I would rub his body all night long, sometimes I would go in the other room to cry "exausted" but I kept doing it. Then I would get up and go to work and start all over the next evening. He became my life? Finally he went ot the doctor, they found a spot on his lung, thinking it was cancer we went to the hospital. He spent a week there and they ruled out cancer. We went home to the same thing, night after night the sweats, aches and pains, along with the hurting in his chest. Two weeks late we wer back at the hospital, the doctors had ask him to take an HIV test but he denied. He said it was an insult, he did not live like that, there was no way he could be HIV positive. Well finally one day sitting in the hospital room he agreed to the test. Two days later he went into surgery to have part of his lung removed. We had not disgussed the results of the test. After surgery I was ther to see him, hooked up to everything, he was still out, they were keeping him sedated till the next day. I was at the door of him hospital room going into see him, when the nurse stopped me and ask me to put a mask and gloves on. Then she turned around and said "you do know he is HIV positive? In shock, I simply said "Yes" and continued in the room. He was still sedated. i only stayed a few minutes and then I left the hospital and cryed all night long. A few days later we disgused it, I promised him I would stick by his side no matter what. We spent the next month in the hospital, I only left for about an hour a day to run home and then back. I slept at the hospital and ate at the hospital for a month. At times he was on so much, he would call me bad names and say hurtful things. Till one day he said too much and I walked out. He blames me and says I was the oen saying hurtful things, but I know It was all the meds he was on and the HIV/AIDS causing him to act this way. It has been a few weeks now and he called. I though I could walk away from him and put this behind me, but I can't. "WHY" Why do I feel that I need to stay and help him through this, we never had relations, I laid next to him and took care of him for 3 months day and night. I say him today for the first time in a few weeks, I still care deeply, I know we can never have a perfect sexual relationship, but I don't care. Sex is not top priorty on my list. I hurt inside deeply seeing what he is going through. I can not talk to anyone about this because I can not tell anyone around us. I am lost, I don't sleep, I am hurting so to hold him and care for him, even knowing the out come of this could be fatal. "WHY" I have been tested and will continue to be tested. Thank you for listening, if you have answers or encouraging words, please feel free to respond.

 

Sent via Email, April 3, 2005 from Michigan, USA.

 
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