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This is a story I wrote a few nights ago, when I was up late and worrying terribly about my status...
I am so scared right now. Last Wed. I was tested and I won't know my results until Friday. I don't know how I am supposed to wait 5 more days like this. I've been nervous and scared to take the test for a few months now. My last test was almost or around a yr. ago. And I was w/ people who have been tested recently but reading on the internet men are not as easily receptable as women. I haven't said this to ANYONE! My friend told me that a man I was sleeping with uprotected had it. Someone I've known forever. I asked him and he said no. I asked him if he would get tested and he said no. He told me to go get tested and then we would both know. We had a fight and he left and I haven't spoke with him since. This has been 2 months ago. I'm so scared right now. I keep trying to look up symptoms and I think I have had them all at one point or another, but then again it could be my mind playing tricks on me. But it does seem I've had them all, but no longer than one day for any. I have 3 kids, what am I going to do? I think of suicide. I think of God and Jesus. But most of all I think of my 3 girls. And what if not only did I ruin my life I also ruined thiers. Everytime I hear the words AIDS/HIV+ I get this cringing feeling all over me, when it's in regards to someone I've slept with. I think I know this person. He's cool. But I don't really know what he's done when I'm not around. I see these women's stories and I cry because--WHAT IF THAT'S ME? I'll never have a relationship again. All I wanted was love. I thought if I sleep with this man he'll love me. How can I be so stupid and a mother? I catch myself crying out to God. But what's done is done. I may die and I'm only 27 yrs. old. I want to be a grandmother one day. I want to live until I'm old and my whole family's around my bed...


From there it went on into a long devout prayer. Today is Thursday. I get my results tomorrow. I really don't have any questions anymore. Just waiting and wondering. My main comment is to all of you who have felt this way--GO GET TESTED! I was scared to death and didn't want to get tested but I have to know. I couldn't live with myself if I had this disease and I was careless enough to not get tested and give it to someone I loved. Especially my children. Accidents happen, and I prepare all of their food. This waiting is the worst of it. It felt as if a ton of bricks were lifted off of my shoulders once that blood was in that tube. Irregardless of my results tomorrow, I will never be the same person again. I will not be careless about my health. I love myself, my life, and my family. And I don't want them to suffer because of my mistakes. To all of you that are positive...GOD BLESS YOU, stay strong...and may you all have a long and fullfilling lives! To all of you that are negative...stay safe--protect yourselves AT ALL TIMES! Don't be careless...it's your life and we all only get one!
My prayers go out to all of you and if anyone reads this, I hope that you pray for me as well....God Bless!

 

Sent via Email May 6, 2005 from USA.

 

I wanted to give an update to a message I sent on May 6, 2005, titled Get Tested Now. I recieved my results and by the Grace of God and only by Him, my test was negative. But I did test positive for 2 STD's. Trich and Chlamydia. All I know is...this has never happened to me before. And I think to myself if I caught that, I could just as easily catch anything. I learned my lesson...Even if you think you know the man, you don't know who he's been with before you. Wait to have sex, and if your unsure that could be your conciensous telling you to stop for a reason. And after you wait, be sure that he's tested or that you know him and his past before having unprotected sex. My wish is still the same to all of you! Long life and good health!!! God bless you all, and to any one that prayed for me I thank you. Thank you for reading my story and my update! STAY SAFE!


Update May 13, 2005.

 
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