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Wrong move

I need to share my story in it's entirety, and that's something I've had a lot of difficulty doing. So here goes
I had had some sexual experiences with one boyfriend when we were 18, and we had sex together for the first time (we were both virgins) at the age of 19. However, we used protection. After we broke up, I was totally sexually inactive for a long time. I had decided after that experience to wait until I was "in love" to ever have sex again because I'm an emotional person.
Fast-forward two years, and '‚m extremely drunk at a college party. I even blacked out for periods of the evening because I was so drunk. At one point, I was sitting in the backyard of the house with this boy. I had just thrown up and he pretended to be concerned. I know it sounds nasty (considering I'd just puked), but we started making out in the back yard. I can't even recall how it happened to be honest. All I remember is that my pants were off, and I tried to protest (weakly and drunkenly) and he put his hand over my mouth to quiet me. It lasted minutes, if even, and I just sat in one place, looking for my shoes, while he walked away.

Afterwards I was terrified that I could be pregnant, but an STD never occurred to me. There was nothing abnormal with me physically, so I suppressed all of my disgust and hurt over the situation because it was easier to ignore those feelings. In retrospect now, I realized I had a two day flu-like illness, about two weeks after the encounter, that could have been initial symptoms of HIV.

I spent the next few months not really thinking about the situation, and then I took an at home pregnancy test (although I was getting my period) because I was just that scared. I wasn't pregnant. However, in the months following the incident, my period became less heavy and more uncomfortable, I had more frequent cramping, and then months afterward I developed several bumps near my genitalia. I didn't get it checked out. I was stupid I know, but they went away quickly, and I figured I was fine.

So more months pass, and I start seeing a man about a year after the incident at the party. I didn't want to sleep with him; I thought I loved him. But I guess love can get confused with lust, and we slept together. The first time was with a condom (my insistence), but on occasion afterwards we did it unprotected (drunken sex is bad!!!).
I stopped seeing him about one month after we first slept together, and I haven‚t seen much of him since. However, a couple of weeks after our last time together I got several pimple like blisters in my pubic area. The didn't hurt and went away quickly, so again I didn't get them checked WRONG MOVE! The thing that made me think it couldn't be herpes is that I got some blisters on my arm and knees as well.

So a little time has passed since those initial blisters, and I still get them on different locations of my body. What had made me think they weren't associated with herpes (the odd locations) now makes me think I'm HIV positive.
I'm terrified now. HIV had never, ever occurred to me until I realized I may have herpes. Could I have had them both for a year and not noticed? Could I have had HIV and then got herpes from my boyfriend? I just don‚t know and I'm terrified. I‚ve only had sex with three people, no more than 15 times in my entire life. All I've come to discover from those experiences is this: love is elusive and sex is death. Be careful people. Remember that some people win the lottery, and then others take part in one in which they can only lose.

I'm going for an HIV test and gynelogical exam tomorrow. I lost religion a long time ago, but now as my Catholic grandparents approach there end, and my faithful family might have to deal with an ill daughter, I will make myself believe in God for their sake. I will think of heaven and how everyone I love will eventually meet again somewhere else after this life is through.


Sent via Email May 11, 2005 from USA.

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