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Scared and guilty

My story is similar to others here in that I am scared to death of getting tested for fear that I may be positive.
This time it is not my symptoms, but my girlfriends symptoms that worry me.
I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years, and I love her so much, we make a grta couple and people around us love having us round.

About 7 years ago however I had unprotected sex with a guy (I was always "mixed up" about my sexuality back then) I met. It was quick, I was the "giver" and I never saw him again. At the time I was 19.
I am very rarely ill, I think the last time I had so much as a cold was 2 years ago.
Ever since I have been with my girlfriend she has been ill quite often, nothing serious but she now gets a strange throat infection every 2-3 months where she is sick for 2 days and then gets better. I had never really thought about it until someone jokingly said to me "what have you given to her?". Since then I have been really worried about it.
I never told my girlfriend about my past encounter, I didn't think it to be relevant as that is not a part of my life anymore. But thinking about it now of course it was relevant, how can I have been so stupid in the first place to do such a thing? I should have been tested at the onset of my relationship with my girlfriend.
Now I am so scared of being tested, if it's positive then obviously I have passed it onto the love of my life, I have ruined her and my life, and my and her parents lives.
Like lots of the other people here I've read about, I search the internet for symptoms of HIV, and I think through paranoia I relate all the symptoms I can find to my girlfriend, perhaps irrationally.
I decide to have a test but chicken out for fear of the result. I was interested to read another story on this site where the writer had planned their own suicide if the result came back negative. I too have had this thought.
I know I can just take this huge weight off my shoulders by getting tested, but if it's positive, then what? I cannot take it. I cannot do this to the people I love.
I think I will get tested soon, I have to. And when I do I will post the result here. I hope it's negative, and I hope that my story will help others to do the same and snatch their lives back from this abyss of guilt and fear.


Sent via Email June 5, 2005 from UK.

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