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Don't live in fear like me

Hi, Im 28 years old and living in the Philippines. Not only do I think im positive, but I have reason to believe that im already full-blown. It all started 6 years ago with a very careless heterosexual one-night stand. I couldnt remember if I had ARS afterwards, but the thought of being infected kept nagging at the back of my mind. I kept living a semi-normal life for 5 more years, thinking that i didnt have it - after all, I was feeling all well and healthy ( not knowing that the virus goes through an asymptomatic phase). Then a few months ago everything changed as symptoms cascaded one by one. First, I had unexplained rashes/petechiae that persisted for over a month. I then had difficulty breathing during that time. I was convinced at the time that it was just some summer virus. Then after both rashes and breathlessness subsided, I started to get dizzy all the time and I started developing pallor in my arms. Loss of appetite and fatigue was the order of the day- every day as sleep wouldn't even refresh me. I have also started to feel tingling sensations in my arms and feet. The final thing that nailed it was the appearance of numerous floaters in my eyes. I searched google and sure enough, everything I was experiencing pointed toward that three letter killer.

As of this writing, I am afraid - too scared to go to a hospital and get tested then treated. My terror, depression and anxiety is unbearble enough not knowing, but having to confirm what I have? I don't think my psyche could take it if I tested positive - but im torn. I can't sleep as thoughts constantly race in my head. I have let my family down, and I feel that I havent done enough for them yet. I also think about getting help here in my country, how accessible is it? and the cost of meds? (which I do not think I could afford).

PS to the guy from Phil as well: dude, you've already tested negative multiple times and I think that the results are as accurate as they can get. Live on with your life and dont live in fear like me.


Sent via Email June 8, 2005 from Philippines.

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