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Guilt

Hello, IM a 24 year ol heterosexual male . . Im writing this because i am terrified. I feel so alone with no one to talk to, I would like to share my story. one night I was feeling so alone, my girlfriend had just left(my fault)so I called a male friend. We got drunk, only the second time actully drinking to get drunk. He asked me for oral sex.. and me being stupid, I did..it only happend for about 1 min, and i got disgusted with myself.. and left dead drunk and feeling a guilt that i will never forget. I have tried calling my ex fiance, but ?what do i tell her? what do i say to her? she was my best friend. I could tellher anything. but this? but tellher this. tellher that the symptoms I feel are not he flu? I love her so much. we were goign to share our life together, and we actually still had a chance..but now. im so scared to get tested. im scared of being HIV + which i know i most likly am. I have all the symptoms. I havce been so stressed out about this, I sometimes try to convince myself that its just stress, that im going through, but then i feel a sharp pain in my joints.and my muscles aching. and i come back to relaity. Have you ever seen a grown man cry like a baby? well I have, I have cried and cried a lot. I came home fro the holidays from school, and saw my lil bro and sis. well guess what i did? I went to the bathroom and muffled my cry. I coulnd take it. My family and my fiance, that had been my life. I have asked God..not to heal me. but to help me cope. just for streghth.nothing else, not a negative HIV test.no just for strehght. and also to help my family. I want people to know..Iam not gay. not that i have a problem with gay men..im just not. but that one minute of that homosexual sexual encounter, changed my life forever. ONE minute!!! Sometimes I ask..If i was felling sad..call my parents, callmy roomate..but NO!!! Had to go out and do what I never thought I would do.I f anyone could please write..although I do not know you out there, I need someone ,anyone, male femlae..to let me know im goignt obe ok.. as im writing this,im thinking of my mother, father and siblings..how will i tellthem, how willthey take it? willthey stilllove me the same, willmy brother and best friend(he was supposed to be my best man) push me away when i try to hug him..wellI dont know. Many probably htink im crazy cause i havent even gotten tested.. but he guilt and symptoms are surely there.. PLEASE do not hesitate to send email me.. It would really be a blessing tomy life this moment.

 

Sent via Email November 26, 2005 from USA.

 
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