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Constantly scared

I used to live a life that was carefree. I was a fun person to be around. I was bothered by nothing. I was excited for the future. Now I am just constantly scared. I am a very safe person, and so to was my first sexual encounter in Late August 2005. I engaged in protected vaginal sex with a female friend (i am male) and unknown to me, the condom broke (or fell off) and I was exposed to her. The girl told me she has had unprotected sex with two men before me, and 2 other protected, so that left 2 potential exposures

 

A few weeks later I was diagnosed with NGU (a bacterial infection of the penis which increases the risk of HIV) and the worry for HIV started right there. Ever since the middle of September, the thought of HIV has never left my mind, not once. My senior year in college has been ruined, I am not going out with my friends, all I do is look at HIV websites all day, its pretty obvious I am depressed. I miss the person I used to be. This 4 month time frame has been the worst moments of my otherwise happy and incredible life.

 

Fast foward to Early December and my HIV test. it came back Negative, I was so many things, overjoyed, releived...but that lasted for like 10 minutes. I was still concerned. I waited the full 3 months, got tested, but I still dot beleive the results. I feel I have HIV . Furthermore I went for a 4 month test, and it was Neg and this should be it for me and HIV testing, but i know i will test at the 6 month mark, and most likely after that. This sucks. I now feel since I was depressed, I havent yet had the time to create antibodies that can be dectected. I dont know how many others feel this way.

I should be excited for the neg tests. I guess the fact I am a worrier has furthered my fears. Everyday I try and move on, but I can't. I fear HIV, but I also fear losing my mind. I already lost some of the months that should have provided lifelong memories..... I don't know what else to do.

 

Sent via Email January 14, 2006, from New York, USA.

 
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