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Anxiously waiting

I know this may seems weird or may be doesn't belong on this site, but I don't know where else to turn to.

I am black man and I live in New York City and I have lead a promiscuous life, and I am only 22 years old. Now, I always use a condom but this one time, the condom came off as my girl was getting off of me. Now, we both checked and the condom didn't break or anything but I can't remember if I came into contact with any part of her while she was getting off of me. I mean she took the condom with her and everything.


That was 3 months ago, I haven't had any symptoms or anything, its just been eating at me and making me sick to my stomach with the anxiety. This past week I went and had an HIV test because of the fact that I can't remember and the anxiety. The say not knowing is the hard part and that may be true, but there is nothing more worst to me then waiting for the results. The Doc. told me the would be back in a week. In the past week all I have done is think worst case; What if I am? How do I tell my mother? How do I tell my family? The thing I am scared of most is telling my mother, I mean she says that she will love me no matter what, but I feel that I have failed her.


I am so scared!! I mean, I haven't even got my results back and I am researching treatments and therapies. This is how I stumble across this site here. I have read some of the stories posted here and I can place myself in everyones situation or something similar to it. I just have no place left to turn, I am afraid that the people I love and trust are just going to turn their backs on me and I will be left all alone and I all ready feel alone. I mean sometimes I feel like I want to break down and cry but I can't bring myself to it because it feels like I have no tears left to shed.

I am suppose to get my results in 3 days and I am absolutely scared. If any can offer some advice or words of encouragement then I am all for it...


Sent via Email January 22, 2006, from New York, USA.

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