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I don't know

Hi God bless you all who are reading this website. This is my story.

I went out with this man for 4 months. He is charming, treating me well and everything he brings to my life is new and fascinating. I slept with him shortly after we met. We usually use condoms, but there was one time he insisted to do anal sex without protection even after I refused. I was furious because I felt like I was raped. However I kept going out with him thinking that I'm in love with him. We have done several unprotected oral and anal sex since then, and meantime I've had yeast infection twice but STD or AIDS never crossed my mind at that time. One day he suddenly stopped calling me. I was heartbroken. However, even worse, now I became so anxious about my odds of getting HIV. I was never sure about how many girls he's slept with and he didn't seem to have a good moral on it. I trusted him. I've chosen the wrong person to trust and now the fact comes back and haunts me. PEOPLE COULDN'T BEAR MAKING ONE SIMPLE MISTAKE IN LIFE. And now after breaking up, after my mind clears up day after day, a lot of things about him seem suspiciously wrong. I feel lonely and anxious and scared. What if I'm positive? How could I even tell anybody? And how davastating it would be to my beloved family? I couldn't concentrate on my work and start surfing the internet about every hiv/aids sites I can possibly find. I cried at night. I woke up thinking that I'm positive and I'll never have a family and kids etc.


I'm still struggling about whether I should get tested because on one hand, I really need peace in mind, but on the other hand i don't know if I can handle it if I'm positive. I never slept around, but I didn't protect myself. Now the only thing I can do is pray, hope that God can grant me a second chance and do not take my future away from me like this. I hope God can give me the courage to get tested and give me the strength to handle whatever situation it turns out. Sometimes I think it would be easier to live without knowing that I'm positive, but the anxiety and stress is killing me not knowing the truth. I'm really afraid and confused and don't know what's the right thing to do. Thank you for reading and I'd appreciate any comment.


Sent via Email February 11, 2006, from USA.

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