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Alone and terrified

Well, my story is live many others on here.

I am a 34 year old male, and have been married for 16 years. About 6 months ago I went away on a business trip and made the most stupid decision of my life. I met a guy at the bar and found out he was gay. He hit on me, and although I've never had any homosexual tendencies, much less experiences in the past, I made the unbelievably idiotic decision to let him perform oral sex on me.

 

Earlier in the evening, I had shaved my scrotum, and had nicked it in two places with the razor. I didnt even THINK about the consequences. It never even crossed my mind that I could get HIV this way. Well, when he was going down on me, I insisted on him using a condom. He did, but he did like my scrotum a couple of times.

It has been about 6 months since this encounter. I have had fleeting moments of concern and worry since then, but nothing really bad until this weekend. On a business trip last week, I began to feel very tired, and my stomach didnt feel right. I went to the doctor today, and he did a urine test and an EKG, both of which came out fine. My blood pressure was vey high, and the doctor is concerned about that.

 

I slept most of the day yesterday, and it is about 11:00am now, and I feel like I've been up for hours. I can't sleep at night, and I can't get this out of my mind. I've had no diarrhea so far, and no vomiting, but I check myself constantly for signs, and I think I see red spots on my arm, and I'm having trouble breathing.

I constantly check HIV websites, and I'm slowly going insane with worry. I know I need to go and get tested, but I'm absolutely paralyzed with fear. I know my parents would support me, but my wife will divorce me and I'll lose my kids. I can't believe I've allowed myself to get into this position. Its funny how you dont think about God until he has kicked all the props out from under you. I pray constantly that I'm well, and that this is all in my mind, but I've got this sinking feeling that I'm positive.

 

Sent via Email March 6, 2006.

 
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