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The hardest part

My husband and I have been married for five years. Before we were married, we both took stupid risks, although I took a lot more than he did. I don't know why I did it, but I take responsibility for it. There was no reason for me to engage in risky behavior. I can't say that I "didn't know" HIV was out there. But I got married, and I settled down. I can honestly say that I am not the same person I was then. We have had a good marriage and I would marry him all over again, but now I'm not so sure if he feels the same way. For about the past six months, my husband has had problems after having sex with me. About a month ago, his penis swelled up and he had pain in his testicles. He went to the doctor and was tested for STD's (except HIV). About two weeks later, we got a letter from the doctor saying he had tested negative for everything. But about a week after that, he gets an urgent call from his doctor that he had "read the test results wrong" and my husband was positive for gonorrhea and chlamydia!! Obviously I was shocked. I haven't been sleeping around and don't think that he had been either. So how does this come out of the blue after five years?? He hasn't come out and said it, but I can sense that he blames me. Like I said, we BOTH took risks, but I was a lot more promiscuous than he was.


But to stay on topic, he immediately decided to get an HIV test, and I thought it would be a good idea for me to get a test for everything also, even though I haven't been having any symptoms. I was tested almost a week ago and as you can imagine, every encounter I ever had has been plaguing me ever since. Actually if I just knew that he was negative, I could handle my own results even I was positive. But the idea that I could have infected him with this disease is enough to make me want to die. I have to wait for almost two more weeks to get my results. My husband's doctor told him he would have his by Friday, but it's now Tuesday of the next week, and we haven't heard a word. The waiting is the hardest part as anyone who has had to take this test probably knows. I donated blood shortly after we married and got the "thank you for donating, please donate again" card from the clinic. So all of this time, I thought I was fine. And maybe I am. I don't know, and that's the hardest part.


Sent via Email April 5, 2006 from USA.

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