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Tomorrow I am going to be tested. I am so scared. I have made the decision to be tested, because I can no longer live with the anxiety and depression. Fear of HIV has ruined my life. I am to blame. My habit of visiting sex workers is the reason. I know I am addicted to sleeping with prostitutes. It is a problem linked to an addictive disorder. Its not the first time I have gone through terrible anxiety and then got tested. My story with fear of Hiv started a year and a half ago. A few cycles have passed of soul wracking anxiety and then getting tested. But nope, soon as I found out I was negative, I was out and about looking for sex workers. I am in therapy at the moment for drug addiction and have realized everything is connected. The wretched drugs, they will kill you sooner or later...


The fear of HIV has ruined my attitude to life. Tomorrow, if I am negative I am going to stay clean from prostitues even if it means masturbating for the rest of my life. I cannot handle the anxiety and depression. It has been up to now a vicious circle. My recent exposures have been unprotected insertive oral, so I know the risk is low but there is still a RISK. I had symptoms for many months and the mind is so powerful it manifests symptoms as well. I hate myself for doing this to myself. It is a story of Mr. Jekyl & Hyde. I wish HIV did not exsist. It has even brought me to a point were I am contemplating suicide. I know, see a phsyciatrist. I already have a good one, but no medication will cure the anxiety, only a negative test result.

What I am trying to say, its not worth it. Putting yourself at risk and then going through anxiety and depression and possibly HIV. I salute people living with HIV. I pray to God not to test me, I don't believe I am strong enough to deal with such a illness. I will NEVER put myself at risk again. Today, this is the first page of a new chapter in my life. No more anxiety and depression because of HIV. God bless you all.


Sent via Email April 10, 2006 from Isreal.

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