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Being healthy

Hi there,

My name is Derek 23yo, I'm a heterosexual. I would like to share my story with you hoping you can help.

I'm not sexually active, I'm not in a relationship with anyone, whenever I have sex I feel guilty and fear I might been infected with HIV. I'm a university student and a very hard worker. I'm very lonely and hardly have any friends. I have been living in NZ for 4 years and don't have any family. On December 4, 2005 I had a PROTECTED sex with a girl I hardly know, the condom didn't break but I think I might be HIV+ or all these symptoms are related to HIV phobia, I will know the answer in 2 days.


Few days after the incident, I had a very itchy rash all over my body, That's when I started freaking out and panicking that I might be infected with HIV, the rash looked like flee bites, I though I might got the flees from my cat. About 2 weeks after I had a mild flu-like symptoms for only 1 day and the rash disappeared too. I didn't have typical HIV symptoms at any stage like fever, diarrhea, weight loss(I actually gained 2kgs). One day before I went to bed the area around my groin was swollen for few hours and then the swollen was gone, I'm not sure if it's an insect bite or caused from HIV. My armpit is itchy from time to time but not swollen.


The level of stress and anxiety reached a high level that I can't describe in words. I have been experiencing sleeping problems for months now. As I was reading about HIV can cause thrush or white spots in the tongue, so I used to pull out my tongue many times a day in front of the mirror to check my tongue out for anything unusual, I did that for few weeks and then I developed swallowing problem (it was hard to swallow my saliva and fine liquids) I had no problems eating at all.

Almost 4 months since the incident I still have difficulty swallowing liquids. So during this time what did I do about it??
*7weeks and 11weeks after the encounter I saw 2 GPs about my swallowing problem, I didn't mention my HIV fears to neither of them, I just didn't have the nerves to even talk about possible HIV infection each time they ran a routine blood test and my white cell count was normal.


Because both tests weren't testing specifically for STD's, I have been living in a dilemma and fear.I don't have the courage to go to a doctor and mention HIV testing. But my fear started to affect my studies and work. Finally, after 16weeks from the encounter I have decided to get tested. Simply I couldn't stand not knowing anymore. I will get my results in two days(3April,2006).


During this long time of struggle I have become very spiritual, emotional(As I mentioned I'm very lonely, live very far away from family, and hardly have any friends) I used to cry from time to time fearing I will spend the rest of my life regretting having sex with that girl, she was beautiful, the sex was beautiful but FOR GOD SAKE DOES IT WORTH LIVING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE BLAMING MYSELF FOR A DESPERATE SEX!!!


I read all websites I found about HIV symptoms, treatment and people telling their stories. I have been inspired with stories in this web site. I believe in god and I don't fear death anymore, I'm going to die sooner or later but I think in two days when I get my HIV results my life will change forever, Either HIV + or - I HAVE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE LIFE AND BEING HEALTHY.


Sent via Email April 1, 2006 from New Zealand.

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