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My heart is positive

JD is my neighbour. We met, as some think in the street! That is were this all started.

For a brief period of time amidst business travel we had a fling. I knew after the first 5 minutes that my heart had found a new owner.

 

He's a beautiful man. I was very attracted.

JD started to pull away after I expressed an attraction. He backed right off and freaked out. I persisted because if there was not going to be a relationship I still wanted to have him in my life as I saw his potential. He came around a month or so later and we started a fabulous friendship.

7 months later, we have chatted almost every day online, catch up for a drinking session on the weekends and call each other cuntie whenever it's warranted.

 

6 weeks ago after a heavy drinking session we slept together again. very drunk, I passed out and don't remember much, not remembering the passion that was probably there hurts. I began to struggle with the friendship the days following as all the feelings I had shelved came rushing back, a good old bitch-slap in the face. The feelings that I had worked so hard to put behind me for the sake of our friendship were still there. What can I do?

As fate had it I was leaving for a 3 week vacation. Perfect timing for me to get my head sorted, put JD back in the friend's slot. A relaxing holiday....

 

At the airport to come home, a brief chat online with JD - he has met a new guy and was enjoying getting to know him. I heard a thud and a drip - my heart had just hit the ground and a solitary tear had trickled down my cheek and splashed on the keyboard. Those feelings were still there. What the hell do I do now????

Days passed, keep smiling, and ignore my feelings. JD seems to be happy - that's the main thing. A few more days, I should be happy for him but I‚m not. All I feel is sadness. More tears. After a heartbreaking relationship a few years prior I am very guarded of my feelings... I was angry with myself that I had developed an attraction to someone that I would never be enough for.

 

A few more days, my heart near breaking point, something must be done. Workshopping with a girlfriend and it's obvious that I must put some distance between us. I have two choices, let go of a friendship and be heartbroken or let go of my dignity and be heartbroken. What a choice.

 

We had dinner last night and I intimated that we needed to talk. My heart in my throat, I knew what I had to do. Wine helps! A few glasses before he arrives and I am filled with the confidence that I need.

JD arrives, looking his usual handsome self and smelling even better. I laugh to myself as I feel like a cartoon character that floats by flapping his feet. I can still smell him now.

 

Dinner served - rack of lamb stuffed with apricot and almonds with cranberry jus and brocollini, thought I‚d do something special as it was likely that this was going to be the last meal I had with him after I say what needed to be said.

Comfortably numb from wine, JD presses me for the discussion he had been waiting for nervously.

I laid it out, trying with all I am to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks... I did say trying! Not looking for answers, promises or anything, I said what I had to say and asked what I should do. JD is a great sounding post, a role model, my muse, a person I would give my life for. I'm asking him what I should do??

 

He understood and was a little distressed that I was in pain, and had not confided previously. He was wanted to give me as much time and space as I needed to do whatever I had to do. He was willing to invest time in order to keep the relationship that we had so happily built. I couldn't tell you verbatim what I said, I was quite emotional.... but I knew what I had to do.

JD asked if it was his turn to speak truths.... I said of course.. A lump came in my throat as I thought he was going to confess that he too was still attracted to me - one lives in hope! Instead the words "I'm HIV positive" filled the room. I felt an immediate sadness, not for the fact that it was something that he had kept from me, but because this beautiful man has had to deal with something like this. My tears were running again, as they are now while I'm recounting this. I offered my embrace and I held him close to my heart. A heart that is silently his.

 

We spoke about the how's, when's and why's. My need to enforce space was dissolving fast. I was melting.

More wine, more discussion, the night moved on.

 

2.30am - on the sofa. We were kissing again, passionately?? Where did that come from? He must still be at least a little attracted to me? Who knows? I wanted him to stay with me but he insisted that it was not a good idea given my headspace and my want for more. JD is 6 months out of a long-term relationship and is not ready to offer his heart to someone else yet. His company was not for the sex, I just wanted to hold him close so he could feel the warmth of my heart. He went home and we slept in separate beds. Thoughts of the night‚s happenings clear in my head I cried myself to sleep.

Today, thinking and digesting. Where will my head stop?

I'm now in Adelaide on business for a few days. The flight rough.

I have arrived at my destination, as has my headspace. Things are now clearer than ever.

I am not just attracted to my neighbour. I am in love with him. My want for a relationship with this man is now even stronger. To take him in my fold and keep him safe and healthy. Be there for him without prejudice. Love without condition. How do I tell him this???

How do I protect myself for the fall as this will never be?

Only time will tell. Let's hope something good comes my way.

 

Sent via Email Juuly 16, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia.

 
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