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Facing the truth

Hi everybody:

I´m a 31 years old Biselxual male. I cannot tell you where things went wrong or how I got all the way to my current situation, one thing is for sure, I never saw it coming. I have lived a very nice well off life thanks to my parents hard work and the good education they provided me. I was brought up with all the love and security you would expect from a good and stable Catholic family. When I moved out of my house i was 21, and I wanted discover life with my own eyes. I did not mentioned the fact that although my life was picture perfect growing up, I was never able to cope well with the fact that I am sexually attracted both to men and women, and that, as a matter of fact is one of the reasons i moved out of my house.


Ever since then I have been a responsible sexual partner both to my female and male companions; but this year all hell broke loose. I have been preasured by my family to settle down an start a family just like the rest of my brothers and sisters and that preasure somehow force me to look for a steady girlfriend and at the end I was fortunate to find somebody I actually love and plan to marry. The problem arose at the begining of the year when she was transfer to New York in her firm and I stayed by myself home with a lot of liberty and a lot of spare time to reassest where my life is taking me and if I was actually settleing, marrying and doing all that for me or to make the world happy. I acted on my repressed desires drinking a lot and going to undergrounds, sex clubs and dungeons to look for an ocassional lover.


The last Wednesday I was at one of this sex clubs an this hansome gentleman invited me to his place for a fun time, my judgement was impaired due to the huge amounts of alcohol I had in my system so i went with him and had lousy unprotected sex for the 1rst time in my life.


I dont know the guy, I dont even remember his name, the one thing I do remember in the middle of my alcohol haze is that I did not wear a condom. Now Im scared, beyond the imaginable, not because of me and my health (I know I am freak I'm always thinking about others and not me) but because of my girlfriend, my parents and brothers, I feel tremendously stupid, i feel like a liar, i feel dirty its just and awful sensation. I have asked God for a second chance, but sometimes I doubt he will listen to me after all I have done. I have basically hit rock bottom. I am more afraid of facing the truth about me than actually saying out loud that I may be HIV+ perhaps thats the issue, its really hard to conceal secret all your life I am kind of sick of that already.


I just needed to vent off my fear and frustrations and this page is amazing its just what I was looking for in times like this. My love goes to all of you in this page


Sent via Email July 25, 2006.

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