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Latinas story

I wanted to start off by saying a bit about me. I'am an 18 year old hispanic female and I live in a town with a growing rate for minorities.

 

I came across this site because I feel this is the only place I can turn to. I wanted to tell my story because I feel very few latinas have had the courage to say theyre stories and I feel some communites are unaware of how real HIV is.

I was a senior in high school and I had just gotten back from a trip to Mexico. I returned to the States so happy. I was happy that everything was coming together. I went out with my cousin to see her Boyfriend (biggest mistake of my life) That day I met Joker. I know a strange name but he was in a gang (that was his gang name) I cant say that I was falling in love with him but I was extremely infatuated with the way he was and the way he treated me. I thought everyone accused him of being a bad person when in reality he was just a victim of a very hard life. I tried to convince him how to live life right and by the rules. He had two sons by two different women and another girl pregnant which I didnt find out until we were already dating. We began to have sex two months after we started dating. We used protection at first. It seemed he was trying to be very careful and I assumed he just didnt want anymore kids. I have only had one partner prior to him and I was stupid not to have been more careful. In December we began to have a very heated makeout session which turned in to sex... raw unprotected sex. HIV crossed into my mind as he penetrated inside of me but I thought that aids wouldnt happen to me and my ex was not gay or has ever had sex with another male. I was more worried about herpes. I asked him if he had been checked and he said that in the summer he was tested and I was the only girl he had been with since then. I got on birth control and continued to have unprotected sex. We had very huge differences and we broke up.

 

I wanted to get tested because I knew the risk was there. I went on the internet to look at testing options and there it was the symptoms for HIV. My heart dropped. I was so scared I couldn't even cry. I tried to think of reasons why it wasn't possible. I had just had the flu and that was it. I went to sleep that night with a horrible chest pain and leg pain. I connected everything to HIV. I had nightsweats and I lost 10 pounds. I talked to him and he told me that he was clean, so I asked him to get tested and he lied and said he did when in reality he didn't. He lied about only sleeping with me. He slept with the biggest slut ever. She had 4 kids and slept with half of my town. My sister in law told me she knew her sister and that the sluts sister had told her that she had HIV. That a guy she slept with called her and told her that he was positive and that she should get tested. I was so angry with him that I wanted him to die. I got sicker and sicker. He was deported in March and he called me from time to time I told him never to call me again.

 

The three months had come up and it was time for me to reaveal my destiny and ... I never went. I couldnt. It is now the end of July and everything about me has changed. I almost went to get tested yesterday but I started crying and I couldn't breathe and I hadnt even gotten in my car yet. I cried all night and I couldn't take it. I also found out that he used heroin when he was younger. All these things play over and over again in my head. I'am terrified. I dont know what this is but its not living. I dont know how or when I will get tested but I know I have to do it. I just get nervous and I know I will be positive. I know that my life will change forever when I get those results. I 'am supposed to go to college in the fall and go to Mexico in December. I'm supposed to buy a new car and get a job. I cant do any of those things. I need to encourage myself to go but I 'm my only help right now. I'am my only support system. I hope for a cure everyday not just for me or more my fear of HIV but for those who suffer because right now I suffer every day from depression and anxiety. I need to get tested but I cant even make it out my door everytime I try.

 

PLEASE people use protection and please get your partner tested. Anyone can lie but dont let that lie take away the most important thing about you.. your health. It takes away your dignity, your soul, all of you. This disease takes so much more than I thought. It has already left me empty and I dont even know if I have it.

Thank you for reading my story and I will write back as soo as I get tested I will write no matter if I came out negative (which I desperatley hope for) or If I come out positive.

 

Sent via Email July 30, 2006 from United States.

 
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