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First off I would like to say that I didnt mean for it to happen this way. High school was absolutley amazing besides the fact that I was the "only virgin that attended" so it was said, I know that wasnt the truth but it played over and over agian in my head. I felt very badly. My father cheated on my mother which traumatized me I felt like the world ended when my mother consulted me and my brother in tears telling us of the wrong he had done. I cried and cried until there was no tears left for me to cry I was 16 years old with an addiction to internet pornography I needed something to comfort me. This decision made me feel like I was in control, (Im not going to blame my whole ordeal on pornography even though I feel it played a huge role in my understanding of sex)eventhough my mind lapsed in fear of my parents getting a divorce, I felt like it was my fault I never did any kind of drugs, never did any kind of self mutalation or anything like that. That leads me to where I am now in college, a good job, I go to church, and then this happened. I was at work one night and I was thinking to my self wouldnt it be good if I could have sex with someone tonight. So it came quitting time and i punched out and walked to my car, on the way home I dropped by a neighborhood that was known for its prostitution I once agiain felt important and in control. I picked up a girl and payed her to preform oral sex on me (I didnt have a condom on) she did but a few seconds into it I pushed her away because somewhere deep in my mind reminded myself of how presious virginity is I let her out of the car and fumbled home. It is now about 5 weeks since the incident and I cannot eat as much as I used to, I have diarreah (if thats how you spell it), and I am greatly depressed. I am going to have the HIV test done today and that will probably justify these symptoms. As many users I have been tearing through the internet to find symptoms and that only leads me to greater depression. I feel that the world that I have built is falling all due to a, stupid mistake, stupid mistake that I have made. I hope some one reading this that is falling prey to peer pressure and pornography can just turn back around and go the other way this road has nothing fufilling at all It is filled with terror and fright so please head my words save it to marriage.


Sent via Email September 29, 2006 from South Carolina, USA.

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