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Irrational fear

I would like to say 1st of all what a help this website has been and the stories are truly amazing and i understand the irrational fear that goes with having a HIV test. I have been through and am still going through the fear and anxiety that not knowing can create, i have never had unprotected sex however i have had unprotected oral sex, and although i know this is lower risk i still have a fear of this even though i have had 2 tests 6 weeks apart (both HIV negative) and i am advised that the liklehood of contracting the virus is extremely unlikely. I have decided to go for another test 12 weeks after the 1st test even though the last test was 12 weeks after the last sexual experience.

 

I have to confess i have gone through hell and have felt increasingly isolated, fearful and desperate, i have spoken to several helplines who have reassured me however i think that when you are going through something like HIV testing ultimately you still feel alone with your feelings. You lie awake at night convinced you have symptoms and whilst yes i have had a swollen gland in my groin and have felt shakey for the last months, however i have not been ill or experienced any Flu like symptoms. Still HIV cannot be diagnosed by any symptoms only through testing.

 

I'm not sure exactly how i would react if the result was positive however i am going to have to wait and see what happens. I truly believe that testing is a good thing and socially responsible for yourself and other people, this does not make it any easier to deal with though, and believe me reading websites for signs and symptoms only increases your anxiety and makes things worse.

 

I think that you are all incredibly brave and understand where you are coming from. I cannot say at this point wether i feel hopeful about the future i'm living day by day at the moment.

 

Sent via Email October 27, 2006 from United Kingdom.

 

 

Story Update:


Hi there,
Just updating my last story titled "Irrational Fear", for all those who are going through the nightmare that is the testing experience please don't give up, i felt like giving up but managed to hold on long enough for my last test which was at least 13-18 weeks after any sexual contact IT WAS NEGATIVE.

What i have learned from this experience is that testing is the key, not symptoms and no matter how level headed you think you are the experience will change you in some way.

I think that the people who test through there own decision are some of the bravest people in the world after all no one wants to get HIV and finding out is frightening to say the least.

For those people who have HIV i would like to say you are some of the most courageous people on the planet and i hope you all live a long and happy life.

For those people who are testing, don't give up either way you will know and be in the best position to take control of your life.

Much love to all positive or negative, were after all only human.

 

Sent via Email November 24, 2006 from United Kingdom.

 

Another Story Update:
Yet another update to my story irrational fear, i was fine for at least a month after my last 13-18 week negative test was sleeping ok and was enjoying it all when suddenly the irrational fear came back and i thought i had swollen glands, (Thought this was definately it!) so i decided rather than wait just to go and have another HIV test.

So went on the 2nd of Januray to get tested and was OK, however today was not a good day and i ended up trawling the usual websites looking for some loophole that would set me free from the testing nightmare despite testing negative at the window period. It was negative probably 16 - 22 weeks!

I know this might seem silly however i felt that it was necessary for my own sake, right or wrong. I dont really have any advice to offer except, if you are a "worried well" (like i was), then no matter how many people try and console, or facts in your favour you will probably be thinking the worst.

I not exactly sure how to feel quite at this moment and i write this probably as much for myself as for the rest of you out there, this testing and worrying cycle has been part of my life since late August 2006 that perhaps i need to take a break and re-evaluate what's really important, i hope this helps in some way.

HIV+ or HIV- much love and hope to you all.

 

Sent via Email January 4, 2007 from United Kingdom.

 
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