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My dreams

Hasnt been easy at all, but at least I ended up on top, Literally. Well it started 16 yrs ago when I steped on a darn needle at the fair grounds in our small town and became hiv I was 24 and I was a Chef well it destroyed my career and changed my life completeley. I was whith a woman who was 16 and I felt so guilty I married her, even though I did not love her. I was from small town, and do they talk. I had to tell the health unit and they spilled the beans soon i had all the looks and had to disaccssociate my self from society and friends. I have done this for 16 yrs to this pioint. Tell you brief of my challenges point form...Mayor of my town offered to pay for condoms so i wouldnt spread the desase were worried, but they told me not to sell the on condoms, humilated me. I was raised on Dairy and Beef farm whith other brother who ironically was gay, he knew more of this desease then I. I wasn't gag,gay or did drugs, but our town looked down on this for sure. I worked my ass off to forget what I had, I built alog home in the woods for 6 yrs I stayed here thinking I ws gi going to die, not much was known of desease, so I couldnt make any serious plans just secluded my self, I was supose to get the farm, but my desease, brother got farm, because I was the sick boy, and treated like the sick boy . Well I refused to be treated differently, and when hope became better with better medicine I hou thought of leaving my wife and corecting the mistakes I made, well then the wid wife got cancer so I couldnt leave her now, so for two more years I stood m by her patiently and sacrificing myself as usual. Finallly the cancer was gone , and she was lucky so I again thought of moning moving on in life to try to have hope, with this dificult disease and how it ate me up, but I still worked and kept busy not to let it consueme me,Again the wife got cancer again she beat it agian I stood by her, but at this point I was so disapointed in family and there attitude , that I decided to sell everything and head to the mountains of vancouver to the ocean.

So I bought a 48 Dodge army ambulance which was converted to motorhome in France by citreon in 1958 a I came across it in the Auto Trader, I wanted a vehicle taht I could go anywhere , and that it be safe, and strong, and 4 wheel ,and it is bullet proof too added feature, well this sbe vehicle is a symbol, asymbol that says no, I will not be discriminated on, I will be strong, and will need no one to get by in my way. If i need to visit anyone I had a complete mobile unit, that I would not impose on there house, not to be discriminated, because of there ingnorance and no knowledge this bi vehicle was handy for me, Ineed not sleep in anyhone bed, I never put myself in a position that was u vulnerable for critism, because i did not deserve such critism. I did not deserve this desease was accident to me was misfortunate to me, was unlucky. So I need a b vehicle that showed strength, and when family go t to us I had this be vehicle toleave in and I did exactly that, the hang whith them all and there attitude off to the mountains I went whith myjproblems. I left toescape to run away, but I should have left alone was my oportunity to go on my own finally, but I culd not spend the money from the house that my wife and I lived in, as i felt better to spend it all with her, even though was my inheritance, and my family had that over me too. So what could I do but take her with me and so I spent all the money and lost all faith from my remaining family. But my by spending this money and going to themountains and ocean gave me or made me humble I needed to be made more humble and tjo let it all go, all the let downs just to let it all go so I did and it was incredible, all the cahallenges was incredible, and I was made verry humble, but I missed my home area of ontario, and realized how much I love the area I was raidsed around and got home sick and had to return, and thought of mother only as is 82, I was adopted by Dutch people by handshake I am french originally. I was allowed to see my real family was nice to have 4 parents and sometimes confusing. Well my dutch jparents or my mothers brother children were hemophillac and 2 sons were or had the Aids bir virs through tranfusion so this was darn coincindental also hit close to family for us and mee too. They died I lived they had virus maybe 4 or 5 yrs before me and had no chance then was so sad, so ya see is history here, and wasnt ew easy with Dutch mother who went through menopause all her life too wow I tlll ya surprise I am not nuts thrugh it all. Well my real grandmother worked for the convent, and always thought I would be a priest. My Dutch mother taught ball room dancing to the royal family, one of Queen Elizabeth pallaces in Holland, Amsterdam so well, I certainly love dancing you can imagine, is great love. Well I was taught whith great edicacy, to be a gentleman, to be honourable, that mariage is till death. Well that is tough for me, as I am so lonely, but is hard to leave, and well I am seperated but still conected in ways, I need tobreak free but is dificult for me as am arfraid to be alone never been alone all y my life so well I have a fear of being alone silly ah. Storry far from done, try to make shorter. Well came back to ontario, and felt lost,totally lst really lost, kinda suicidal, and then I came to my senses I dreamt of a mountain where i did not know just a mountain, so I got tis in my head that the onlyway to get out of theis dipresson was to get land back land that I wold earn on my own, that I wold not owe, anything to anyone for it. My own place a place more jprivate thenlast, last place you cut a tree down. Police were there was sad. So I took a drive to the country, heard there was a place at the base of the mountain, well I was mistaken what theymeant that was that the base is or was a base, the jplace use to be a Base for national defesnse and the base was on top of the mountain, so I did find the highest mountain in ontario, and I dreamt there was a place at teh base of the mountain, I thought on the bottowm, asmost things I felt about because of my desease, loss of confidence and shy. So I ended on top, again, and this mountain keeps me alive, for not for this mountain I would have surely perished, when I am lonely whithout a true love, the mountain charges me and gives me something close to that of love, is that of love of what god has given, I do dream some day to find my true love, and tolive on tis moutnain top on ahobby farm , like l Noas Arc, seng Ilve animals, sometimefs more then folk. Well here I am, me simple me ah not quite, well I havent much stress, and I am close to the stars, and the clouds, and agin i worked to build another dream castle on top of my mountain, and my 22 acres above the rest. literally, and it is not easy log for log will take me years as I do not make much money dilivering pizza, but i did do my dreams and proves anything is possible, all I neednow is love, and whith that I can survive happier, I was a chef, but now i deliver the food, see how life throws a bll at ya. Is who you are that counts not what you do, and well i dont need to be judged, I desire to be a magician, perhaps a woman will inspire me to follow my dreams, need inspiration.
God Bless, and well see what is possible in this world.
Thanks for the oportunity for me to tell a little of me.

 

Sent via Email October 23, 2006 from Ontario, Canada.

 
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