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50/50 chance

Okay, I really don't know where to start, my head has been racing for the past four days and I still have a day and a half to wait.

I am a 24y/o gay man. I have lead a pretty sexually active life, especially after my last relationship ended, I was together with my partner for 5 years and had been faithful and clean the whole time.

Since the break up I decided to enjoy my 'singledom' and my sexuality. I had my last test in February this year and the results came back fine. That covered me up until December 05.

Since that time I have had a sexual relationship with 5 men. All of which I used protection. There was one guy who was tested and was clean so we barebacked a few times. He remaains HIV negative.

My new boyfriend is amazing, the one I have been looking for my whole life. After being together for almost 5 months and having protected sex always we went to get tested to ensure that we were both negitive.

This was Saturday the 11/11/06. I always worry when I go for tests but deep down knew that the result would come back negative - they always have. The doctor called me on Thursday the 16th to tell me I needed to see him Urgently.

I called my boyfriend, we got the afternoon off work and went in to find out what had happened. I instantly expected to hear the worst as my par


I was right, the doctor had called me into to say that although the test results were not back yet the pathologists had some concerns over how abnormally high my viral load as and how low my white t-cells were. He said at this point in time there is a 50/50 chance of having HIV.


I was, and am still in shock. The results are not confirmed until tomorrow night (Tues 21/11/06). For the past 4 days my boyfriend and I have tried to stay in good spirits, keeping our minds distracted as to not let it complete envelope us into negative thoughts - at this point it could be nothing at all. Naturally we are both preparing to hear the worst.

I think the hardest part is that I missed two tests this year. I normally get tested every three months to ensure that I am clear of anything. I guess I rested on my laurels and let everyday life allow for these tests not to be done. I feel so stupid.

My boyfriend has been told that the pathologist can see his results coming back fine as so far his blood tests have not shown any cause for concern. He is in a tough position at the moment. We have only been dating for 5 months and I guess it comes down to his personal comfortability dating and having sex with an HIV+ person. I have told him that I will understand if he chooses to leave. So far he has been great - my only real support and has said he will stay with me but he needs to get all the information that would concern him. I appreciate this.


The worse thing I think has been the waiting. Its been the longest 4 days already and today and tomorrow will go by so slowly - its becoming increasingly hard to keep a grip on everything. I have no idea how I would've contracted HIV if my tests come back positive. I always use condoms, I am always careful. I do have oral sex without a condom so that could be the reason, or I managed to use a one in a million condom that was faulty.


This has been the scariest week of my life. I feel like I have no control over this situation. I am preparing for the worst but on the same token trying to think positively, trying to remember that it is a 50/50 chance. Unfortunately I am thinking more along the lines that there is more chance that the test will come back for the worst.


I will write again with the results once I know them. I guess all I can say is if you are reading this and are HIV- please be ultra careful out there. I never thought I would ever have to experience this and it has now happened. I don't think my boyfriend ever expected to have to deal with this either.


Sent via Email November 20, 2006 from Sydney, Australia.

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