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Mom knows best

Here goes... I am a 24 year old female and I am currently planning on attending medical school.

To briefly go over my sexual history, it began with my boyfriend of 4 years. We lost our virginity to eachother so we never used condoms. After we broke up I was very hurt and wanted to date immediately wanted to fill the void of being alone. I met this guy who I thought (at the time) was perfect. I didn't allow enough time to get to know him and after a month, I slept with him. I didn't realize the mistake I was making, but again, we didn't use any condoms. My excuse was that I never used condoms before and using them didn't feel as good. Now I look back and curse myself for being so nieve, stupid and irresponsible. After three months I couldn't stand him anymore. Just goes to show you that you really need to spend a long time to get to know guys before you realize if they are for you, no matter how amazing they may seem at first.


Then I met another guy who was very sexual and moved at a faster pace than I had preferred. We were seeing eachother for 2 months and one night, after drinking, we ended up on his bed. I wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready at the same time. Although this sounds cliche, drinking makes it very easy to give into your desires. We were both naked and he entered into me unprotected, but he stayed still... he was waiting to see if this was what I wanted. I couldn't speak... I wanted to. And I didn't want to. I came to my senses, I told him that I wasn't ready and he pulled out. My friends knew I was dating him but they didn't know how far it got. Soon after, one of my friends who knew of him told me to be careful about him because he has had a lot of partners. I was scared at first but I figured that if I had contracted an STD that I would show up with some signs shortly.. and besides we were only involved in intercourse for 3 seconds and completely still. After discovering his past, I ended things immediately.


I finally met a guy who I have fell in love with and I really see a future with him. We have been together for over 3 years and we are engaged. He is a first year med school student. We also never used condoms. He had only one girlfriend whom they also lost their virginity to each other and had never used condoms before. He hasn't had any other partners and I believe him. We had sex once before we were oficially dating. It was around that time that weird changes to my body. I started to develop more acne on my face than usual and I started getting them on my back which was unusual for me. I started to develop some on my chest every now and then and I was worried because that definitely never happened before. I also noticed that my skin seemed to be more dry than usual. Of course, I started to look up those symptoms on the internet, trying to match the images I saw to my own skin. It finally occured to me. What if I have HIV? I panicked. I talked to my mom and she said I was crazy. Then I noticed that my fiance was developing more pimples than usual and in the same places. I freaked out. What if I gave him HIV? I got really depressed. I lost 5 pounds (which is a symptom of early HIV infection, but could have been due to stress). Every question ran through my mind. I tried to talk to my mom again, but she got upset with me and told me to just get tested to ease my mind.


I thought, get tested? Yeah right. And find out that my life is over? No thanks. I'd rather not know. But it's not that easy to live thinking you may have it. A year and a half passed by and the thought was always in the back of my mind, but when I was busy, I was happy because I didn't have time to think about it. More symptoms started to occur. My skin this time is really dry. Sometimes I wash my hands with regular soap and after they dry, you can see how dry my hands are. The skin on the bottom of my feet are really dry and my legs are really dry. Even my face is really dry and my lips are always chapped. Now I have to buy bodywash for "people with very dry skin" and lotion for "dry skin" and I have to put lotion on my face. I never had to do that before. I developed a case of ringworm that I had for 2 weeks but went away. However, I go to the gym a lot and could have gotten it from there. Now I have this rash on my legs that is called discoid eczema which happens when your skin is very dry (making it susceptible to infection) and becomes infected by bacteria called Staphylococcus aureus which are carried in the nasal mucous membranes of many healthy people. They don't pose a problem until they come in contact with broken or dry skin and cause infection. I get sore throats at night during my sleep. I got sick twice in one month. I'm periodically checking the inside of my mouth for leukoplakia or thrush and the skin is actually whiter... but I don't know if this is due to usage of whitening toothpaste over the years.


Not one day passes that I don't think about being HIV+. The very letters H.I.V. horrify me when I see them on websites. Who can I talk to? My mom and dad think I'm nuts. I definitely can't tell my fiance because then if I'm + then he definitely is too. Did I ruin my fiance's life? Did I ruin both of our careers as physicians? Imagine that. We worked our whole lives to be here and now we would be physicians living in fear that we could lose our jobs and never be able to practice. Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I pray to God, there is nothing he can do. He can't make me un-positive. If I could go back and change all the mistakes I made, even if it meant never meeting my current boyfriend, I would go back.


I tried to rule out all the possibilities. I ruled out my first boyfriend. I called the second guy and talked to him about my worries. He told me that he was tested and that he was negative. I called the third guy and told me too that he was tested and that he was negative. I almost didn't believe him though. Would it be wrong of me to have asked to see his results? That technically would only leave my fiance. Did I get it from him? Or is one of the guys I slept with lying? But like I said, I just can't tell my fiance now "I think you should get tested for HIV" I'm trying to hold out as much as possible. I figure, once I get accepted to med school then I'll get tested because it'll look less bad on my part.. at least I accomplished something in my young life. If I find out now that I am positive, I'll never make it to med school because I will want to die. Then we can't have kids. I think to myself "although I made mistakes... I'm not a bad person.. why me?" If I am positive, I'd rather have contracted it from my fiance than me having infected him. To think that I ruined his life and his chances of having a family. I'm still waiting for the right time, although I know, no time is the right time, but I just can't do it now. I want to see him smiling for just a little longer....


Sent via Email February 20, 2007 from California, USA.

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