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Best of luck

I would like to say that this ste has been very inspiring, helpful, and supportive. I am elated to say that at 8pm tonight I recieved HIV NEGATIVE test result from my gyn. As the majority of you, I too feel as if I am givin another shot at making life right and appretiating all that I am, and all of the gifts I have. I did prepare for the worst, planning out my future for either result I was going to recieve. I knew dying was not and option-as this is where I should begin my story...

 

I am a newly divorced custodial parent of 4 children. My husband had up and left our beautiful "all american dream" life for another woman. A woman we knew. It was devistational. He destroyed us for the next 3 years only to move back in and abuse each and every one of us physically and emotionally. Now...why didnt I leave? I tried. I took the legal route. All I can say is the justice system is made to destroy lives... w/ little or no protection for vitims such as ourselves. My ex faught tooth and nail to win custody-therefore I was legally not able to pick up my children and leave. PERIOD! I won. I have custody. I have great support ($$$). You may wonder what this has to do w/HIV. Thants the next part of my story...

 

Before my ex left he contracted an STD...he broke out w/ oozing sores from his belly button down to his knees, high fever, weakness, blood in his semen, I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG. He saw a Dr and told me he was diagnosed w/ folliculitis. I decided to look up his prescribed meds online (w/out his knowing) they were for clamydia and herpes. I was breastfeeding my 4th child at the time and decided to stay clear of him even though he tried to have sex w/ me many times. I had to play it off/ Then it came out about his affair and he left for 6 mo before returning.

 

In the meanwhile I was tested for everything- all negative. Problem is I was left w/ such low self esteeem I went and slept w/ 3 different men all unprotected w/in the following 3 years. Oral, anal and vaginal...all receptive. The last was long term(the past 2 years...) but I never asked where he had "been". So for a second time I found myself being tested.

My Dr. gave me the paperwork for HIV screening...it took me over a month to get the courage to go. Good thing is once the blood is in you cant take it back-you just have to do it. Well the last 2 weeks have been a nightmare-2 days after I drew blood my gyn called and said I have HPV!!! well that put me over the edge waiting for the results b/c I knew at that point there was a man I had slept w/ that had been untruthful yet again. I went in for an immediate colposcopy to look for cancer of the cervix. So...here I was awaiting HIV and cancer results simultaniously. The agony of dealing w/ 4 kids and THIS was incredibly painful. No sleep. Not much eating. Alot of zoning out. I felt as if God had given me too many chances in life, answered too many prayers, and that somehow this would be my doom.

 

The faces of my children looked different...more innocent than ever before when I thought of my terribly irresponsible sexual encounters.

 

Here is where I got severely freaked out...when I went for my colposcopy (one week after blood was drawn) I asked GYN for results-she was whispering w the nurse and said..."this is strange...we have every result exept your HIV-but its probably normal b/c if it wasnt they would have hunted me down". I thought for sure that was BAD!!! Then I called 1 week after that-the nurse said the Dr would have to give me my results-that meant worse to me!!! Finally after clenching my phones for 2 days...I saw the caller ID-its was the DR 8PM!!! for sure i thought something was wrong. then the good news! You are NEGATIVE!!! Then more good news-HPV not the aggresive kind and will go away in time. I was so relieved.

Like many of you I had crying time alone, rethinking of my life, racing thoughts...even a nightmare just last night that the Dr read me my death sentence. I cannot take away your agony of waiting, but I do hope you find similarities in my story that will comfort you during that time. Best of luck to all Pos or Neg our strength as humans is amazing!

 

Sent via Email August 15, 2007 from New York, USA.

 
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