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Two seperate lives

My name is Zanele I'm 22 years of age. In 2002 I had my first daughter and was HIV-. In 2003 I suspected I was pregnant, I went to have a pregnancy test done. It was positive and told I was HIV+ as well. My whole world crumbled, I though of death, what my family would say. I couldn't understand as I had only had one partner. I went through my pregnancy with ease and thank God my daughter was born HIV-. My oldest daughter is now 5 years old and my other is 3 years old. Nobody in my family knows I'm HIV+. I have been so scared of coming out and telling people about my status, I still live as though I am HIV-. I am in denial, have been for the past 4 years. Thanks to God I am still healthy. Although in my mind I know I'm HIV+, my heart does not want to accept. I love my kids more than anything in the whole world and not a day goes by without me thinking what are they going to do when I die? I try to be strong , everyday I run away from my disease because I'm ashamed, scared, hurting, confused. I ask the Lord why me? I sit and I imagine my kids without a mother and that hurts me the most. I have all these negative thoughts, I live two separate lives, I live a lie during the day and when I'm on my own the truth hits and it's painfull. The worst thing is not even the person (father of my babies) who infected me with this knows the truth. I never told him. I went through all the hell alone, I have never told a soul ever since being diagnosed because I'm a coward who does not want to take that first step!!!!!!!!

 

I want to live a long and healthy life for my kids sake, see them grow up to be beautiful young women. But I'm afraid that might never happen, not because I will die of HIV/AIDS but I will die from bottling all my emotins and the truth inside. I want to accept this disease and live with it, but I don't know where to start.

 

Sent via Email October 8, 2007 from South Africa.

 
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