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HIV be kind to me

My Story

With racing heart and lowered head.

I drag my feet passed all the healthy people.

My eyes swell with tears.

Now to face a life time fighting for survival.

One silly mistake.

HIV, be kind to me.

It was May 2007 and over the last month I had been chatting to this guy. Brian was married and had a married boyfriend. Brian said that they always practised safe sex with other people and they had their wives and each other to worry about. And they were both safe. Brian asked me if I had ever done BB sex. I told him a guy had cum in me once a few years ago. He asked me if I had enjoyed it. I said yeah I did but I would never do it again. Because of all this HIV stuff happening. I went on to say; that with the responsibility of supporting a wife and children there was no way I would do that again. Brian went on and told me he had an HIV test 6 weeks ago and safety was important to them. I told him my recent test was in February and I was also negative.


I was sitting in my motel room I had had a rotten week. My car had been broken into twice and the interior damaged. And yesterday I had worked a 16hr day and fallen asleep in my motel room. I had not locked the front door I awoke after a few hours sleep to go to work and found my wallet had been stolen. Today I borrowed some money from a work colleague. And after work on the way to my motel room I bought a bottle of red wine. I had just finished half the bottle of wine and was feeling quite merry when the phone rang. It was Brian, he wanted to come over, I told him where I was staying. I freshened up and had another glass of wine as I waited for him


Brian and I were fooling around on the bed he entered me with out a condom on. He was saying nice things and how safe he was. I was becoming agitated I did not know this guy that well. I asked him to put on a condom. He said it was too late to worry about that, he had already cum. He had given me no warning I did not know what to say it seemed like only a few minutes to me, after awhile longer he finished. I asked him how many times he had cum. Brian said he must have cum five times in me.


As soon as he left I washed my self out over and over until I had all of him out of me. I could not believe what I had done. I had a very strong gut feeling that this was going to turn out bad. I was having so much bad luck lately. I could not understand why I deserved this and what I had done wrong.

Within a few days I had diarrhoea and fevers I felt really sick. I found Brian waiting for me at the door of my motel room. Brian said he was safe I must have some virus. Brian said there is a virus going around at his work people are getting diar and fevers. Also you will get the diareah again before it is over. He told me he wanted me again BB. I made him wear a condom this time. I gave him a lecture about safe sex and said it was only because I had had some wine and that he had cum so fast that it had happened. We were watching the news an article came on about a guy with HIV that deliberately was infecting people. Brian asked me what I thought about that. I said I could never do that. Brian told me that if he ever found out that he infected anyone he would kill him self. I looked at him and laughed and said what good that would do. You would have already done the damage. That was the last time I saw or heard from Brian. The following night I was told he was in a critical condition in hospital he had been hit by a car. A week latter I received an SMS from Brian's mobile number from his mother and friend that Brian had passed away the night before.


I saw my Doctor this was about two weeks after the unsafe sex. The tests came back neg to STD's neg to hepatitasis, positive p24, and negative Western blot.


It came to pass that I am now HIV positive, plus I am reactive to HEP A, and I have had a course of 10 injections for Syphilis

Over the last four months I am not sure which day was been my worst day. Was it the night I told my wife that I may be HIV positive. Was it the day my wife and I saw the doctor and got told that my Western Blot was indeterminate and, no there is nothing we can do to stop it. It is not the 80's anymore the doc said and theses days HIV is a medically managed chronic condition. Was it the night the ambulance took me to hospital for Syphilitic shock and we told the children that dad has the flu. Was it the day my case nurse asked me if they needed to test the children for HIV.

The thing that scares me most these days is putting my children through the same horror that I remember my own personal nightmare. In my 20's I lost my mother to cancer, and a few years later my father to leukaemia. I still remember the shell of man my father became. So I have made a promise to my self and told my wife I will not put our children through the same horror. When AID's sets in, and there is no hope for me. I will have to go away. My children will not see their father fade away.


What HIV means to me

Life has no meaning to me anymore. As for me I exist for the now. I don't smile. I don't plan to far ahead. A lot of things have changed in my life now. I am preoccupied with HIV and death. I find myself facisinated with media reports about people dying and how cheap life seems to be others. I am now very careful where I eat and I mainly eat food we prepare at home. I no longer leave my razor or toothbrush in the bathroom. I find my self gazing at people especially happy people, and I wish I could be happy. I can no longer can fall back to sleep when I awake in the middle of the night, instead I lay there curled up in a ball and cry. I have scoured the internet looking for alternative medicines and now my cupboard is full of tablets and such. I avoid work functions, and people I know, and family parties. My sex life is all but over. I have had sex once with my partner in the last five months. I wore three condoms one over the other. I was so scared or infecting her. I know sex is important to her and I have to do better. HIV for me has taken all desire away from me and replaced it with fear. My one weekday off from work each month is now my medical day where my blood gets tested and I listen to my previous results from the prior month. I listen to the children arguing some nights and I just want to yell shut up can't you see I am sick I have HIV. My days go between lousy and bad. The lousy days are the days that my neck really hurts and my throat feels like I am breathing fire and I find it hard to breath through my blocked nose. When I am out I wash my hands when ever I touch a door knob and I never use handrails, when someone sneezes or coughs I move away. The doc tells me all these feelings are normal and will pass. And eventually I will get my confidence back and will stop blaming HIV for everything. He also said if all goes well I might live to old age even out live him. I hope I do well.


I wish all who read this story good luck with your fight. To those of you who are HIV neg I wish you the best of luck

PS. The information in this article is as accurate and precise as I can remember. As I write this story and look upon the events that took place I find it ironic that I missed all the signs I was being given. I put this down to the fact that at the time I was going through a stressful time both personally with the violation of my property and the hours I was working. The only satisfying thing to me is that I came to my senses and realised that I was HIV positive before my tests were done. It is through this grace thankyou God that I never passed on my HIV or Syphilis to my life long partner.


Sent via Email October 5, 2007 from Australia.

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