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Waiting

well hello there, im a 19 year old from the uk and ive managed to fuck up... quite a bit. i took a gap year after finishing school, put some money togeather and went on a surf trip around the world starting in the states and finishing up in asia. good times. but i tripped on the last hurdel. one of my possy started seeing a local indo balinese girl and introduced me to her friend. she was a few years older but we got to know each other before anything happened. anyway after a bit of getting to know each other with condoms i ended up having a few local brews too many and we went back and had an auld bit of sex without a helmet, and from then on id stupidly decided that the damage was done so i kept doing it. it didnt seem too suspect at the time, i went back and met her family, she paid her own way and seemed to get on with my friends.. even giving me an expencive gift when i was leaving. but i found out from a few people that she likes to put it around a bit.. unprotected and one night she decided to tell me about her wild life in jakarta before moving to bali.anyway i eventually winged my way back home slightly worried and a little itchy.

 

well the shit started to hit the fan on a kitesurfing trip to greece upon my return. i devloped a urinary tract infection and got treatment for that. ruining my trip with a perpetual freak out, on top of this ive got some wild thrush infection. so i sit here two months later and a long way from those antipodean tropics where all this began, a nervous wreck. me and the lads all have a joke about it they call me the walking std and sometimes 'clap' when they see me (get it) its all in good fun and they really dont think i have the big one. recently now though ive developed the classic swollen lymph glands, the headaches, itchy eyes, fever and worst of all ive got a yeast infection called versicolour and the thrush on my jonson doesnt want to shift. so the icy grip of fear has now got hold of me and im virtually convinced that i have it, even making plans for my life with HIV. im not the kind of guy to let things get me down but when your dealing with the rest of your life its almost too big to comprehend... especially when your young like myself. ive got a few weeks to wait and its proper nail biting time, a big thing that scares me is that ive just started collage and i really dont want anyone to find out for a while. ive decided that if im HIV+ im going to spend my next year getting fit for the city marathon and a triathelon as well, get it done before i get unwell. then its off travelling again ,relentlesly and fearlessly, while i still can, maybe find some inspiration for this different kind of life being thrown at me.

 

reading these blogs has givin me a lot of food for thought, they've inspired me aswell as depressed me. there was a young lady who wrote something back in 2004 about feeling unclean, subhuman and very lonely. discussing suicide as the only option. ive sussed out those positive dating websites and theres interesting new breakthroughs in herbal remedies. all looking quite good. theres a world out there still to be grabbed firmly by the balls no matter what state your in. ive found meditation with my father as a great source of comfort, for me its a great way of avoiding everything becoming too much as it sometimes feels. needless to say im still pretty dam terrified as the life i planned is jepordy. but reading your thoughts and insights has also provided me comfort. so if anyone wants to get in touch with me id much so appreciate it, maybe if were in the same boat we could help keep each other sane. give me a shout. ill leave you with a quote that puts a smile on my face

"each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. but once they are in hand he or she alone must deside how to play those cards in order to win the game" Voltare.

Much love.

 

Sent via Email September 12, 2007 from UK.

 
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