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Remorse

Over the years I have visited numerous working girls around the world. Up till last week, HIV never entered my mind because intercourse was always with a condom and none have ever broken. Only oral has been carried out without, and even then only with about 5 women.

 

A couple of weeks ago I started to get a sore throat and for some unknown reason I started thinking it could be my wondering ways catching up with me.

 

For the past 5 days I have slept only 10 hours in total. I have diarreah, hot sweats and a sore throat. With all the information on the web, you start to put one and one together and self diagnose. What you may not realise, is that early symptoms of HIV are very similar with depression/anxiety (from worrying about HIV) so the more you look, the more boxes you tick off and the more you get depressed. It's just a downward cycle......

 

I went for a test 48 hours ago and the results should be with me today. Since the test I have realxed slightly and started to realise that my symptoms may not be HIV realted:

Sore Throat- A lot of people around have it at the moment, even close freinds

Diarreah- Depression/Anxiety leads to this

Loss of Appetite- Depression/Anxiety leads to this

Hot Sweats- Depression/Anxiety leads to this. For me the sweats only happened when I started to think about the consequences of HIV and depression set in.

If you are in a situation where you think you may have HIV, the only way to find out is to get a HIV test. There is no other way, just do it, whichever way you will have an answer.

Don't be idle, if you have a close trusted friend then share your worry with them and talk it out. They may not be able to help you physically, but just talking about it will share the load. Without a close friend being able to talk to me about it, I don't think I would be able to have coped.

Remorse has been the thing for me and I never want to feel the way I have been feeling the last few days. What ever my result, this will be a life changing point in my life.

For those who got a negative result, I am happy for you but please never do anything to let you get back into the same situation. You have been warned by god so dont push your luck.

For those who have a positive result, my thoughts are with you.

 

Sent via Email November 12, 2007 from London, UK.

 
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