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Back to reality

Hi everyone, I am an HIV+ man living in the UK. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago, but I think I may have contracted it a year before that. My story is probably quite similar to many others. I was living in London, trying to become a successful singer, but things just weren't happening for me. As a result, I became very frustrated and bored, and to be honest, now that I can see clearly, extremely unhappy. Around the time that I contracted HIV, I was studying a very intense spiritual process under the instruction of a powerful chinese master. That part of my life was good, and the main highlight of my day was meditating, and just relaxing. At times, though, the emotional and physical cleansing was so overwhelming. I think what happened was that I began to rebel against this process, and I started looking for gratification in sex. I was lonely; hadn't been in a relationship for years. I wanted to love and be loved. I ended up looking in the wrong places.

Anyway, I contracted HIV and over two years I deteriorated so quickly, that I had to move back home with my parents in Scotland. After a few months I ended up in hosipital with pneumonia and CMV in my gut. I was a mess, and came so close to death that it left me with such a strong desire to live my life in a more confruent fulfilling way. My recovery was swift, albeit with the help of hiv meds. I had practically no side effects, except the crazy dreams. Every night was like going to the cinema.


So I thought, how do I get my life back on track? I eventually decided to become a Life Coach, which I now am. Life is good, and so much easier when you stop trying to be someone you're not. I have found my vocation, and I absolutely love it. Not only that but being at home surrounded by people who love and accept you is the most wonderful experience. I never ever thought I would go home, but having hiv brought me back to reality in so many ways.


I also go to Brazil twice a year for spiritual healing from a 'miracle man' called John of God. I've been four times now, and intend to go back in the spring. I have plans for my future; plans that involve motivating and inspiring gay men and people with hiv to realise that they can have wonderful powerful lives, and that the only thing stopping them from BEcoming who they really are is themselves, and their beliefs that they are somehow unworthy of great things. I want to be involved somehow in helping people see the positive in being positive. To say that having hiv is the best thing that has ever happened to me may sound strange to some people, but to me it's been a lesson in love; self-love and the love of your family and friends, but more importantly the love of life. Did that sound all too happy-clappy? Probably, but who cares, right!! Having hiv has led me to where I am today, and for that I can only be thankful. Don't get me wrong, I've been through the darkest of days, but there's always another way to look at things. My perspective on life is so much healthier and wiser than it was before hiv. I have broken through that half inch of fear that can paralyse and destroy you.


Sometimes I only wish I had had a Life Coach, or a mentor, when I was younger. Maybe I would have been a successful singer, or maybe not! Perhaps the journey I am on is the one that I had always chosen. Maybe everything is perfect the way it is. I am where I am, and I couldn't wish to be anywhere else.


I actually have a blog descibing my healing journey on the web. It's called MrPositive@wordpress.com. Please, if you have the time, read it and comment.. It may be a little self-indulgent, but after what I've been through, I think I can allow myself a little self-indulgence every now and then. It's so much better than self-destruction.

So now I walk in possibility, and I live in hope.


Sent via Email December 7, 2007 from United Kingdom.

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