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Mind boggling

I feel that today is a monumental day and would like to share this with all of those who are living with fear but not the facts about HIV testing.

A month ago, I had a phone call that let me know that one of my former lovers was HIV+.
I had two bottles of wine sitting around the house and I drank them both. I can honestly say that I have never been so scared and that is saying something as my life has been rocky to say the least.


I started obsessing online and reading every single piece of information I could get a hold of.

I was acutely aware that my sexual history had never been safe and involved sex with one promiscuous ex husband who was bisexual and a whole lot of other's who in reality, I did not know anything of their history apart from that one was in prison for a time and one was an IV drug user.


These things played on my mind but I had an attitude of really not wanting to know. This came to the forefront when I considered something a Doctor said to me when I was last tested long ago, 'Would you like to know and potentially have many more years with your daughter or just keep wondering until you get sick?' I had a test back then and then continued to take massive risks with no respect for my body and a terrible inability to simply ask that a condom be used or even just say no to sex at all. Not worthy to ask was my motto.


My former partner, long term told me how dirty I was often, he had a paranoia due to long term pot smoking and killed himself just over one year ago, a harmless drug? No, the word soft stops being applicable when your love commits suicide by burning himself to death.


For the last few weeks I have thought that I possibly gave him HIV that tipped him over the edge.

Some good friends firmly supported an HIV test and yes, I shook and cried and was certain that my test was positive.

I saw a Doctor, I gave the blood, I then saw a counsellor, she was so amazing in her compassion. I have such a restored faith in the health system! My results came through today, earlier than expected, I am negative!!! I still can't quite take this in as I was quite prepared to be spending a life dealing with being positive and having read so much, it really is not a death sentence. I had all of the ill informed opinions of HIV before being faced with the possible.I am just lucky. I may not have been so. It is just a twist of fate that I do not have HIV and a bit of science.


Would I have dealt with a positive result? Yes. maybe with much soul searching. The most important point is that when I had that test I really did think it was going to be my worst case scenario. I will never take those risks again but I also know that those who do test positive might as well plan for a long future of hope.


My problems are still there, they are a little lesser now I have this bit of paper that tells me HIV is not one of them. I suppose what I want to say is that fear of testing for HIV for me was mind boggling. The fear of not knowing made me feel truly insane, the lessons of how close a call and my own personal knowing of whatever the outcome..Well, that is amazing. We are stronger beings than a virus or the irrational fear around it so lets be more informed and tell our children and friends without stigma or fear. Just get tested, I think lots of support networks are in place no matter what what the outcome.



Sent via Email July 9, 2008 from Australia.


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