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Loosing my mind

Hi everyone, let me start by saying that this site has been the biggest encouragement ever. I thank God for all of you that have posted on here, may God bless each and every one of you.


I am a 29 year old black gay male living in Toronto, Canada. I recently took a trip to the states and hooked up with a guy after the club. We danced really passionately for a while and as a result of us dancing close while turned on i had some chaffing on my dick. We got home and the guy just lubed himself up and put lube on me and positioned himself. I declined and told him that i must protect myself, he was cool with that. So i put the condom on and started having sex, when changing position it slipped off briefly. I realized and put it back on but we couldn't even finish cause my mind was all over the place.

I asked him if he was 'clean' because i was concerned and he reassured me twice that he is ok. Needless to say i'm used to preparing myself for the worst so i'm taking his word with a grain of salt (why did he want to have it unprotected the first time?)When showering the next morning i noticed a tingling sensation on my penis where the chaffing had taken place and When i got back home i had a scar on the underside of my penis head, i went to a hiv testing facility to get some advice, the guy that i spoke to is the sweetest guys ever. He told me not to stress and that even if it did end up being that i got it, all i would need to do is take good care of myself.


Three weeks later i got a sore throat and my sinuses were killing me, i had vacation & a birthday lined up the following week but i never enjoyed either of them because my mind could only think of one thing. Eventually my throat healed but i then noticed a small rash on my thumb about the size of a dime. naturally, i freaked out completely and started reviewing all this information online about the symptoms.


I have an early 8 week test scheduled and a follow up at 12 weeks, i'll also do a follow up at 24 weeks. LIfe has never seemed harder for me, i feel worthless, unattractive, useless & depressed. I have noticed my social life has taken a major hit, i don't laugh as much and i just seem to have withdrawn to myself. Part of me is almost starting to accept this as a punishment for my misdeeds. I can't even imagine telling my family or friends, i am terrified to say the least and i think based on the symptoms i almost belive that there is no way i am NOT positive, deep down though i am praying that all is well. All it takes is an hiv ad, or even the word 'positive' to get me all worked up.


I don't handle stress well and for the first time in my life i am truly truly scared and feeling alone. Please keep me in your prayers as i go through this waiting period and don't hesitate to keep in touch.

God bless you all my friends, God bless you!


Sent via Email January 13, 2008 from Toronto, Canada.

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