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Not meeting anyone

Well I don't know where to start... I am a gay guy and every single day of my life I worry about being infected by HIV/AIDS. I thought I'd write this story because maybe am not the only one going through this. Maybe? I think because am gay I'm going to contract this terrible disease some where in my life, I go to gay bars with my mates, they find it so easy to date guys, I push them away because in my eyes they could be the mistake that could turn my life into a death sentence. About a year ago I met my only boyfriend, I knew the day would come when he would want to have sex but I couldn't and I couldn't give him an explanation because I feel silly or maybe I cpuld insult him. So from his point of view it looked like I didn't want him but I really did, but I knew if I had of went through with it I would have regreted it.

 

In the end we finished. This way of thinking is totally controlling my life am so worried... I think all this started when I was about 17 and I went to have sex with a guy but the condom broke and it just hit me like a ton of bricks,I felt so angry at myself as I put myself at risk, it really opened my eyes, I suffered for about a year and a half... Going over it in my head every day... I remember thinking " no I wasn't fully inside him","he doesn't have HIV" telling myself not to worry. But it didn't work, so I went to get tested... It came back negative, I was happy and felt free. But this only lasted for a few months... I started going to gay bars, I would kiss random strangers but that would be as far as it would go, then I met this guy I didn't really like him but I kissed him any way. I remember he suffered with bleeding gums, I don't think they were bleeding at the time when we kissed, but now am back to square one, suffering everyday, did he have it?, do I have it?. Thinking I don't have a life ahead of me, not meeting anyone as I could pass it on. I feel so stupid at times for thinking like this but its really taking over my life. If I go and get tested and it does come back negative I will just worry about another situation down the line. Even as am writing this a million thoughts are going through my head but am just writing to get the main parts in. I really don't want to think like this any more... If you're reading this your probably thinking to yourself don't be stupid, thats all I ever here when I say this but to me this is serious.

 

Sent via Email December 8, 2008 from Ireland.

 

 
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