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All l have is god

I'm eighteen years old. My birthday just passed last Saturday. I might be HIV positive. I'm not a whore, or a skank, at least I don't think so. Every guy I've been with I can count on one hand. I take safety measures condoms, talks,... just not this one time. I really liked this guy, and we kicked it off cool. Afterschool, he'd come to my house, and we'd watch movies. We'd chill and laugh, nothing sexual just yet. My boyfriend was an older guy in the military. He didn't care for me, and I was tired of being used. I was tired of crying and tired of taking his bull. I thought this new guy cared about me. I've always struggled with self esteem even though I get complimented for being pretty, cute, dressed nice. My military boyfriend wouldn't call, have other girls laughing on the other end of the phone, and he'd lie to me while I'd wait for him to come home. Being the home town girl wasn't easy when your soldier doesn't care about you. I had lost my bestfriend that summer in an accident walking to my house. My godmother got killed in the same year by a crazy ex-boyfriend who also took her son's life whose birthday had just passed a few weeks before. My boyfriend said, "D***, what's wrong with you? Everybody dies around you." That's when I realized he didn't care. I knew he was having sex with other girls, but he had to love me, right? Deep down, I put myself into denial to believe that he truly loved and wanted me. I was just a trophy. I was just another girl he'd show to his friends and say, "that's mine."

I'm not a saint, though. When my boyfriend began cheating, I ran to another longtime friend. He wasn't any better. I was in denial anyway and believed my boyfriend loved me. The other long time friend had more important matters like college. He called, but I was so ashamed of myself, I apologized for consenting. He told me not blame myself. I promised myself I wouldn't cheat again, ever. My boyfriend might cheat, but I knew I was better than that. If he could see I how true I was, he wouldn't need another girl.

I was hurt, my boyfriend... he didn't love me. His talk used to be of future plans of me going to college and living with him. All those dreams of young love in naievity were shattered. I was broken, vulnerable. In the spur of a moment, in passion without rational thinking, I was having sex with another guy. My boyfriend would come to town from the military and not tell me. He wouldn't call. Everytime I called him he was over a lady friend's house, and stressed they were just friends. I'd call late into the night, and he'd still be there. He'd talk to me any kind of way. My self esteem and confidence was gone. In vulnerability I gave myself. The so-called friend that would come to my house... He gave me an std. I got treated for chylmedia. I still have discomfort, I went to the doctor and they are doing a second round of tests. I haven't given the guy oral sex, but I have rashes in my mouth. I told my boyfriend and he left me. He got another girl in two days.

The past few weeks I've been crying and going to church. All I have is God. I come from a troubled childhood. My mother's an addict, my father isn't much a father but he tries, I live with my aunt. I'm a statistic and a number. I don't want to be an HIV statistic. I wasn't naturally promiscuous. I feel I loved and lost. I feel betrayed. I feel like my life crashed in 0.5 seconds. I'm the girl that often gets dogged out my guys. I'm that stupid friend that hangs on to love and constantly talks about her boyfriend. I made a mistake, and now I have to wait on tests to see if I'm HIV+. Will I take my life, will I give up. I don't know. I give it to God. I'm scared, I'm young, and happily ever afters aren't my specialty. However, if I have HIV, I suppose it can happen to anyone. You don't have to be a drug user, you don't have to have sex with a stranger, or be a prostitute. You can meet a guy, that you think you've known for awhile, who you trust. He can say I'll take the pain away and cause you more pain than you started with. Sex isn't a game and isn't what we see on television shows. Some men and women don't love you and don't care. Some men and women don't know they're infected and pass it. Aids isn't for just the crack head and hooker. Aids happens to anyone. You're like, no, not me. I used to think the same thing till a needle gets shoved in my arm and a doctor wants further testing. Be careful because love is not over rated but the people we love can be over rated. STDs aren't a joke.


Sent via Email March 12, 2008 from USA.


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